This is my 50TH post!

Yay.

Just to let you guys know this post is probably going to be my longest yet. I'm going to be updating it through the day. So you can check back every few hours; or just wait til' tomorrow to get the full article. I'm going to make use of hide tags to separate sections. I'm going to try to do everything on that poll there at least once in this post. Tune in!

I want to let you guys know I'm writing a bunch of songs, its making me feel a bunch better just singing about all the crap in my life. To everyone else though I'm afraid that they'll think I'm too sappy or something (too late? lol) so they'll probably never see any publicity. When I'm finished something I'll only give the track to people who want to hear my atrocious singing =). Once I get my recording dongle back, I'll record like a beast.

I feel delicious.

I needed a title. Don't blame me if this post has nothing to do with anything. =)

So how's it going everyone? I'm sitting here just chilling out... I'm kind of hungry too, so I'll probably make something soon... cause I can cook. So I just realized its Monday, and that reminds me of the times when everyone hated Mondays, when I hated Mondays. Now all of a sudden, I can't even tell the difference anymore everyday feels the same.

Recently I've been ripping up through the video games again, I feel like I haven't really gamed for so long; at least not competitively. I have been playing casually at the same rate though. After the Modern Warfare 2 stage which really didn't last long because I was one of the only people (at the time) that actually thought it wasn't much fun. After Modern Warfare 2, I bought a game called Blazblue: Calamity Trigger; its a anime-esque fighting game that is loads of fun. Fast paced is the pace I love and this game delivered it; I bought it on the Xbox 360 for the controller's analog, which made my time easier but Anna and my Brother both complained because they don't like change or some shit.

Anyways, after that was Street Fighter IV, or more specifically Super Street Fighter IV. I loved the game, although I was never that great at it... but it did hold me over to Blazblue's Sequel. Blazblue: Continuum Shift was released at the end of May, and I jumped on top of that game right away. Once again I love the game, but I didn't play it as much as I did the first one... I guess the novelty of fighting games was starting to wear off. I am still excited for the DLC characters they're releasing. There are only 3 DLC characters planned for Continuum Shift; a squirrel lady named Makoto who's already released, a shape-shifting werewolf butler named Valkenhayn Hellsing, and a girl with a 3-way multiple personality disorder (an obnoxious boy, a kind girl, and a superhero) named Platinum (or Luna, Sena, and Trinity respectively).

So basically when the fighting games stopped, I stopped playing all together; I was too concerned with the happenings of my life to really care about games anymore. However I did download Starcraft II a few weeks after it was released. I played it for about... 2 hours? Guess I'm not as much as a conformist as I thought. I mean I only put in about 1 day of gameplay time into Modern Warfare 2 compared to Tony's 33 days.

So where am I now... well I downloaded Steam, and played the hell out of Dragon Age: Origins and am currently playing the Awakenings expansion. After that I played a very fun game called Plants vs. Zombies, its cute as hell and fun as hell. Then I got Civilization IV, which I love; the games take about 4-5 hours to finish but its pretty chillax. Then I got Total War: Rome bundled with the Alexander expansion, haven't played much of it honestly because I'm kind of not into real time strategy now, even though it is unique. Then I got Mass Effect, and I was wowed, this game is definitely my favorite right now, even though I'm pretty bad at it. Then last but definitely not least is Counter Strike: Source. I get horse raped whenever I play online, but I'm slowly getting better; I can see why its the most played FPS of all time.

An ongoing game for me has been... it deserves its own paragraph... but I'm not going to give it one. In fact I've decided I'm going to review every fucking game I've mentioned that I actually have played. Why not eh, it'll give me something to do. If you guys don't want to read it... then don't! Its going to be very opinion based and I'm going to probably rant for hours about something stupid and irrelevant like Lego.

Wow, I've sure typed a LOT. But moreover, now I've given myself some time off from gaming I'm ready to leap back into the FPS mode. Not even that but back to how I used to play. Some of you may know that a few years back I was MLG Pro on Call of Duty 4; I operated under a PSN ID I don't use anymore but its K/D and W/L are well over 4.0.

To clarify, an MLG Pro is NOT someone who gets paid for gaming (I wish), there are people like that in MLG however, but they get paid through sponsorships. I got sponsorship offers too, but they turned out to be from 12 year olds who wanted to ask me how to get into MLG lol. An MLG Pro plays in the Pro Circuit, essentially it is a tournament for a specific game. I got into MLG because of my accuracy and survival alone made Search and Destroy games an easy win. I was first in MLG as a freelance player and only hit the Pro Circuit when I was recruited by Team EnVyUs.

After a few scrims and the first batch of qualifiers, I quit MLG. There were a few reasons; first and foremost, I had friends and school and that took too much of my time. I didn't have the sponsorships or the money to actually travel to Las Vegas for the tourney. I hated that pressure I felt when I played an MLG game, that someone was going to watch the footage later and scrutinize me. And Lastly, I'm not a team player. I don't talk very much, and I often ditch my team and go an opposite direction. My team-mates didn't like me, they kept me because of skill alone.

After I quit, they went on to win the Silver Cup in Vegas, I was kind of pissed I couldn't be a part of that but I lived. Now, I want to get good again; after playing so long I can barely get a 1.5 K/D let alone my 4.0. I DON'T want to go MLG Pro again or play competitively, I just want to get that good again lol. So if any of you wonder where I am; I'm playing CoD. LOL

I'm still a casual gamer at heart though! I love playing the game for the fun of it, and I hate it when people cry that they suck. Okay I've ranted long enough about games; I'm still waiting on my Tritton's to get in the mail so until then I'm not going to play much. I found out I learn best at night, but at night is when people bitch at me for my volume being too loud. The Tritton headset I'm getting basically feeds the sound into the headset, so I can play as loud as I want. Okay, so til' next time.

PPCCCEEEE

Wow that was a long break

So a few days later I'm back. All the stuff I said about everything, including my feelings is true. But I've still decided to continue writing this blog; regardless of how pointless I feel it is. My reason for continuing is a little silly I have to admit but I might as well tell you guys.

I've mentioned Ryan before, my little disciple Ryan (I need to give him a prefix or something to distinguish him lols). Anyways, the guy has headfirst followed every single piece of advice I had ever given him, never has he really questioned it other than for understanding. So a day after I said I'd be going off because I couldn't find the help I sought, he emailed me. Suffice to say I didn't even read the email til today, I was actually kind of fearful.

Now I understand the reason why people are so reluctant for my advice; they feel that they are maybe not ready to leave their crappy state, that getting help from someone else is just a shortcut and that they need to tough it out on their own to learn their lesson. Most of all, I felt like I didn't want to get better.

So I thought about it for a while; and haha I loaded up this posting page before I even started reading that email. Throughout my thoughts I figured that the best person to give advice to me was me; and I know how I help people. So I thought I might as well skip a stage and try to write, try to cheer up a bit. Force myself to do something. Damn that kid, he's becoming a menace; too good. I have two choices, continue teaching him the rights and wrongs I've lived... or kill him. =)

So for now we'll see how it goes... now for the actual what I did part of the blog...

Yesterday, I went to a party in west hills, it was thrown by a friend of Cadence; and she invited me so I figured what the hell. I basically stuck with her the whole eve, but she forcefully introduced me; after a while I found myself settling back in to that "charm" everyone is always talking about. I didn't leave with a number or a girl on my arm *gasp*; but I did feel a lot better about myself. Around 10pm my Co-Worker Chrissy (lol) texted me; this is pretty crazy since not many people text me just to talk about random stuff.

I enjoyed my conversation with her, I'm starting to like her a lot; her personality is fun like Ashleigh's. A girl that looks like a do-good but shes really kind of badass once you get to know her. I'm not going anywhere close to saying I actually like her, and I figure that she's trying to get my attention. I might sound arrogant thinking she already likes me, but honestly; the whole 'I don't know' thing with Alex really spun me around.

Allow me to give everyone some good advice. If you think she likes you, or someone else thinks so... or both... She probably does!


So do yourself a favor and learn from my mistake. Go for it before its too late; as I was kind of attempting to discuss with Anna earlier, unless a girl thinks that you're the prince charming; she's not going to stay interested in you for long. Just how long? Heres the problem. Usually most of us guys get the confidence to ask a girl out, or show that we like her when we get comfortable... however this is not good... because by the time guys get their confidence, is the time they start losing interest... THATS when you start hearing things like "I was just being friendly" and "I'm not interested in that right now". So unless you really disgusted her (trust me you'll know...) she'll have at least the smallest bit of interest in you.

Let me break it down for you... whenever we see or learn about something new, it almost always catches our interest, if only just for a little while. That's the time to make yourself look good... show off that charm, that humor and the interest grows. Then you just have to have the confidence to show her that you like her (or tell her!). Sound familiar? It should... that's exactly how you make a sale in retail as well.

Hope that blew some minds out there.
Sorry if I seemed to decide all of a sudden to become a love guru. I just figure that, well this was the part of my life that caused me the most grief. And I don't want ANYONE I know to go through the same shit. The world of dating and girlfriends is so unknown at first, I'm just lucky enough to have gone through so much already so I figure I might as well just guide you guys down the path too lol.

If you want more shit like this, tell me. I love to talk about this. I of course post at my own rate but I'm sure it will help some of my readers, and they'll want a lot more. *AHEM* Kevin *AHEM*.

So I`ll write something later but for now, this is what I got.... lol.

See you soon o.o

Last post for a while.

Its true.
I don't really know what I can say.

Recently I've been feeling down in the dumps; lost my self-confidence and such. At first I tried to get it back, but I figured that I couldn't do it on my own. When I found that I had no one to turn to, I figured if I made amends and fixed all the wrongs I've done to others then maybe I'd gain that confidence back.

Now, the LAST thing I ever wanted to do was get my confidence back, just so I can start an endless cycle of hot chicks again. I actually wanted to fix my problems so I can become a new, better person. I feel as though I have reign on my hormones now and no longer will hunt sex like game.

But, no one buys it. I always thought my relationships and even my flings ended well. I guess I didn't think of what would happen after they looked into my life a bit. So its all gone, I even officially lost Erin. That was a blow to the heart; I thought I'd helped her recover from the mess I made; but I didn't do anything did I.

Anna crushed what little hope I had left after that. She incessantly reminded me of the horrible things I had done, and made me feel that no one would ever offer me the penance I seek. Devastated, I feel as though; right now... I'll just finish my school; play games constantly; and hide from the world.

I feel abandoned by everyone; no one knows how it feels to devote their life to helping others, only to find that no one will return it when they need it.
I just needed someone to talk to, someone to help me work things out; to find me a purpose.

This blog is suspended indefinetely; at least you guys know. Maybe someday I'll find myself, but I'm just lost now.
If you want to contact me, anyone who still knows my number can find me there; otherwise email me. Chris.musico.o (at) gmail.com.

Bye from Chris.

I might never sleep.

I feel as though its going to be another late night; haven't been able to get much sleep, but for some reason its not phasing me. My senses are heightened and I'm more agile than usual, I feel the occasional pang of tiredness but other than that I'm fine.

So as if I was cursed from mentioning my hope the University called today saying that, without the Physics 30 course on my transcript I would be denied admission. Its finalized now, my student centre has me in no more classes and my application is canceled. I don't really know how to feel about all of this, but I guess I'll just have to find something to motivate me.

Motivation, thats what I need. It was what pulled me out of so many abysmal moments before, my own motivation to do what needed to be done. Usually my motivation would be competition with someone I liked, such as the reason why I did so remarkably well in Social Studies (my all-time worst class). Through Second Semester I drained all my self-motivation and in doing so lost so many things.

My personality, charm, and self-confidence were the first to go. That furthermore caused tensions with the people around me, I was no longer myself. This made it worse obviously. But the fact that I feel like now I've hit the bottom, it might be time to build myself back up again.

That's basically all for this post, and for those of you that are wondering; I'm not actually going to cry for days about University; honestly between that and losing my Childhood friend, my Best friend, and my Girlfriend.  I'm done whining.

If someone thinks they can SERIOUSLY help me out, find my way; teach me how to be me again... please do. My mind has actually forgone a clean wipe.

Whoa Whoa, quick edit in here. Blogger just informed me of this SICK feature where they can take the contents of my Blog and publish it into an actual BOOK. Now THAT is what I call cool, when I think of my title I'll be sure to post all final drafts onto a new blog. I doubt any of you would really want a hardcover (or softcover!) of my lame book, but it'll give me a sense of accomplishment. So yayayayaya

The Future? Nah, too complicated.

One thing I haven't been doing much in my life recently that I always have has been thinking about the future. I don't think about the past anymore, just because I've forgotten it so well. Now it might be time to begin thinking about my future. I need to know what I have to do; I'm not the kind of person to just sit around and let things happen.

Surprisingly, I still hold much faith in my almost forsaken admission. While the University HAS received my final transcript, my admission is still hovering over the maybe section. FOUR days from the first day of classes. Either they aren't doing their jobs right (lucky me) or I really do have divine intervention on my side (lucky me =D). Basically the school has about 3 days (Today, Tomorrow, and Friday) to email me my confirmation or cancellation (or update it on my student center). If they don't I might just throw a party. 

Even if its short lived IF my admission goes through even in the slightest I'm attending classes as normal. I at least want to SEE what my classes are. =). Just to portray my excitement and sate your curiosity I'm going to post my schedule here. A little haphazard but my schedule works around me well.

  

Psych 205, Japanese 205, Greek & Roman Studies 209 (Mythology), Philosophy 279 (Logic), Astronomy 207

Not going to even bother posting the times for my classes since they vary day by day. For example, my Monday starts at 9:00am with Psych 205 and I finish with Logic at 4:15pm. Seems simple enough; other than the fact that my Psych and Japanese class are spaced out nearly THREE hours apart. o_o. My Tuesday doesn't even have Psych so I don't start til' 1:00pm, then the other messed up part about my Tuesday is that my only other class is Astrology. 

BASICALLY if that was confusing for you. I have Psych about 4 times a week (50 mins), Japanese 5 times a week (50 mins), Greek & Roman Studies 3 times a week (50 mins), Logic 3 times a week (75 mins), and Astrology 2 times a week (75 mins). 

So technically I go to classes for maybe 3-5 hours a day; at random times during the day. If I didn't live on campus that would be hell. Speaking of which I still don't know who my roommate is. Whoever she is, she's probably enjoying the room to herself since move in was 2 days ago. I'll go check now...

Well the Residence Services paired me up with someone alright but... its using screen names, so right now all I know is that I'm in the newly renovated building sharing a room with a krcd92. Thanks for the vagueness and the utter inability to stalk beforehand. >_>. I'll surprise him/her (no way to tell now) hopefully on monday when I randomly show. 

I've been recently feeling like crap about everything, but all of a sudden I feel good; don't know why its like someone gave me a hug and made me feel better. So in the meanwhile I'll say what I have planned for finishing my High School courses. As far as I know, I'll need to take 2 courses to sate my requirements; since I lost out on one credit from CommTech. Physics 30 is like set in stone so I'll need something else; I'm thinking Psych, since that would make sense? Then depending on how University pans out I may or may not have to retake something like Math. 

At this current point in time... 5:36am; I don't think I actually will go to sleep. Will just stay up now... Yep. What to do... I'm cold. Guess I'll just sign on to Msn and hope one of my contacts is on; but of course I did the ridiculous task of diminishing my friends list from 212 to 5, so it'll hard.

Either way I'm basically done talking for now so k'peace.

Oh and I don't know if any of you remember Central Seven? If any of you do you'll remember the scheme everyone thought of for me to take them down. Apparently it caused quite the buzz at the time, and they were actually trying to find me. They genuinely thought that I was going to sleep with 7 total strangers just to break up some clique? Still, doesn't hurt to know that for some random reason, my legend spread to central even more when I left. 

Also, apparently a girl who is now a Senior claimed to actually of known me, and slept with me. I know for a fact I never did anything of the sort with someone from Central, I was very deliberate. But, my sources are reliable... but it still makes me go wtf.

God I feel like I could keep writing forever. But I won't. At least until I get back from... another story for another time. LOL I got to learnt to stfu.

Greetings again

I don't know what's going on anymore, or even why I'm bothering writing this. My mind is swirling with thoughts right now I can barely organize one into writing.

I almost kicked Anna out today after she bitched at me for completely trivial things and not allowing me my own decision in things; of course I eventually caved and said she could stay with me again. I'm just not strong, I don't have anyone else to turn to. While she may be a shitty source of support, she's the only one I even have left.

The fight resulted in me deciding not to go to work; shitty idea obviously. I'm scared to look at my phone. I plan to quit, well not really but I guess so. I really need to get my life on track before I can go back to a job that makes me talk to strangers. So I guess I'll have to resign from my job after all. At least then I can focus on school or some shit right?

The second is I god damn wish I had a car. If I did then I could make life a tad bit more enjoyable; I'd be able to stop wasting so much damn money on delivery and take-out foods, and I could get new furniture instead. Maybe a place to put my clothes instead of the floor.

That's basically all; a short rant. So I guess I'll see how tomorrow turns out.

Rawr!

Hello everyone!
I was originally thinking for about 3 days about how to explain why I was gone for so long; but the second I started writing... I started to feel... happier. Someone really needs to force me to write everyday; its like a drug I can't live without.

So... I haven't wrote anything because I've been down in the dumps. So before you start thinking that this will be a five page wall of text saying what I've been doing for 2 weeks; I really haven't done anything. Kaitlyn talked to me one night on messenger. The conversation was brief; a one way conversation. Just what you would probably expect from an impersonal method of conversation.

Her words bit.
  "I don't love you anymore." and "I only came on to tell you to stop talking to me."
It didn't make my life any easier.
No, it didn't.

I'm a pretty strong willed guy; believe it or not. I could of gotten over the shock in maybe a week, but Anna's been getting to me too. More and more arguments make me realize just how wrong I was in choosing her; bring up the wrong topic, touch a wrong button and you get one cynical comment after another. Its finally happened; I have actually lost everyone.

When I have the day off and she doesn't, which happens often because I'm a lazy bastard (a fact she won't let me forget); I dread the moment when she comes home. Surely enough, when she does I get a barrage of complaints and overall pessimism. The feeling is akin to the one I felt when I was living back in Riverbend; when I was waiting for my mother to return. They are alike, but different. What my mother has in hatefulness, Anna has in pessimism. Qualities in which I do not hold close.

Alas, I am not strong enough; not anymore. Not strong enough to just say no and have her leave my life for good. I still need to cling onto someone for support. Even I am worried about myself, in a way the old confident Chris only comes out through writing; in life I am prone to breaking down.

I am not without resolve however. I am now working on myself to rebuild what I have lost. Confidence in one's self begins with one's confidence in appearance. Something which I have not had very much help on in a long time. A while ago, I was helped through my utter laziness and into a healthy lifestyle by Ashleigh and Kaitlyn, now that they are... gone, I have almost no one.

However, I've been siphoning though my black book ringing up numbers for at least a month now, often just talking; not as many meet-ups as Anna would believe. There's one girl though, Cadence; who I have had over three times now, who I think might be the one. The one who can bring me back, she complements me where I should be, and provides constructive suggestions as to what I should do when I need it. She's like a conscience. Her and I are working to get me back to picture perfect form like in Summer 07/08 but even better.

I'm far from being a cruel man however, no matter how much I am hurt. I'm helping Anna, achieve her latest goal, which she rarely has, to become a model. I know a few things here or there about models, so I offered my help; of course it was rejected, then reluctantly accepted after I claimed I had help. I asked Cadence, naturally she was pretty and I figured her being a friend of Trisha that she would be affiliated with the industry somehow. So Anna will get where she wants; I after all, never disappoint on helping another.

School... I've honestly haven't thought much of it. I get a shock to the brain anytime I think of the future, and I draw a blank when I pull at the past. Right now, not much of a plan but I'm going to CBE-Learn to take online courses to satisfy UofC requirements for 2011. What courses? I don't know hahah.

Only other news is my story. I haven't wrote a word of chapter two. I know I should and I have 2,3, and 4 planned out already; but I just don't feel into it... I'll find a reason to sooner or later. There hasn't been much demand for it.

Til' Next time.