Friday, July 30, 2010

Oh Blog, Blog, Blog.

Blogging is healthy for me. I know it. I know it. But.. how can I write when so many things are bothering me? When so many things are on my nerves. I'm a shell of who I was, a shell of who I want to be. I'm caught wondering to myself, what should I do?

I always know what to do. But now? I really don't. I can just feel myself sinking into a depressed state. A state I know I don't want to be in. Right now the main thing that is bothering me is actually so trivial I just want to put it behind me. Basically it relates to the over-arching problem I've recently discovered. I'm losing it; losing my touch. I used to be able to have answers for everything, it was magical. Forget whether or not I actually knew what I was talking about; the answers came to me. Everyone calls it luck, they rave that no matter how bad things get I always pull through it better than ever and with a heap of rewards with me. To be honest, that used to be me. Not anymore.

Recently, I've had to exaggerate everything to make it seem like I'm okay. But in reality, I'm not. Not even close. My confidence has always been weak, i'm naturally shy-natured; but my self-confidence was extreme. I always had faith in what I said. No matter what. I'm losing my self-confidence rapidly now. I'm actually turning out to be wrong, a lot. Sure it may seem like right now I'm just complaining and having a little "trouble in paradise" but I assure you I'm not. Regular people are wrong once in a while; I'm usually never wrong. Recently though, I've been wrong about everything. Have I really burnt out this quickly?

The loss of self-confidence really makes me want to crawl into my room and lock the door shut. I honestly feel like one of those people who just make an ass of themselves if they leave solitude. I've changed. I know it too. I look at people and I'm scared of what they think more than ever. My life seriously feels like its falling apart. Its the real reason why this blog is never updated. Nothing just fucking happens anymore.

As much as a paradise I make my life to be, it is just not that way anymore. My friends, they're gone. I've heard that many people don't keep friends after high school, well it feels like I've lost everything. If I had to list my friends there would really just be one. A couple weeks ago, I thought the weeding off of friends had ended. That my remaining friends would last forever, sure didn't. There were five. Ashleigh, Anna, Erin, Kaitlyn, and Nathan. Ashleigh and I don't really talk anymore, she moved back to Vancouver a few months ago and basically severed all connections to here. I can't really consider her to be my close friend anymore.

Kaitlyn. If you really know me, then you should be about as mindfucked as I am. I lost my childhood friend, my re-found best friend, my best girlfriend, my world. I swear its as if a bolt of lightning hit me. Now I'm pretty sure I already went over Ryan Clark; and how I hate his guts. Basically, he took everything away from me. I guess I just thought Kaitlyn would forever love me and no other guy; but how easily she left me for him kills me. Since she moved out, we haven't talked; I haven't slept. Its made me really look back and see how much of my life I'd wasted on other girls. So much time I have a thick ass black book to show for it.

Well what happens to me when my heart breaks? I run to the nearest girl. Anna. The basic jist of it is, we just don't match. We don't have that chemistry I had with others. We argue constantly, she's a pessimist which I hate. Even though I don't consider her a real friend anymore, we still live together. Just because I'm too scared to feel truly alone.

Erin? I guess I tried to make her the new Kaitlyn after Anna failed, but in truth; she moved on. She's no longer the girl that obsessed over me, and to be honest I thought it was annoying at the time. But now, I could really use that emotion. She doesn't bother to talk to me anymore, only I really say anything.

So there really is only one left. The one friend, probably the only guy friend I've ever had. Hah, he's also the one I refrain from talking about on this blog. Maybe I will. Someday.

I'm actually tired of writing... I want to spiel about Alex too. But. Whats the fucking point. The only thing anyone should know. Is that she's dating someone else. Worst thing is. That I actually saw them too. My god-damn luck. I later confirmed it using the stalker's tool Facebook. Then I abruptly closed my account and kicked in a wall.

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