Sunday, May 15, 2011

Not just good, Great.

Things have been going better than I ever could of ever imagined, and its all because I started to focus on positive things. Always be positive no matter what anyone tells you; that's the most important lesson I have learned. Being positive reinforces your thoughts and allows you to make the best decisions for what you want in all situations. Its basically the best way to live in my opinion and everyday no matter what is better than the last.

On Wednesday I tested my resolve and headed to Tubbys to play some games, chat with some people, and see if I've really changed all that much. It was rough at first, especially talking to Anna again; but I think that the new me handled everything superbly. I think just the fact that I talked to others more than her really speaks volumes about it. The night was fun and I'm looking forward to going again this week, also for Tuesday, when her and I will hang out 100% as friends for the first time.

I've been getting back into fighting games again, looking forward to the Alberta Beatdown tournament that I'll win next month. Baby steps first, beat everyone here and then beat everyone in Alberta. Ambition, that's a good thing. In related news, PSN is finally back up again and although I haven't really used any part of it; it has been a pretty good thing that it is back up. I've been playing Blazblue CS2 on the Xbox and I honestly have to say that playing on the pad really sucks, it works but it is no where near comparable to the PS3, which in turn is incomparable to an Arcade stick.

Glad that PSN is completely back up again before Summer starts so I can game online like crazy if I so feel it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Time to Start Fresh

Life sure is pretty interesting, and it is something that I truly enjoy every second of. I'm learning more and more every single day. But you know what I think might be the most important thing to never forget? Always be positive, even when things suck you can still try to pick out the good things and laugh and smile. Being happy sure beats being sad any day of the week, and heck the more happier you are the more happier you'll become. Back when I was talking with that batshit insane ex of mine, I felt like crap and she made me feel even more like crap. What happened was I just kept spiraling and felt worse and worse. Now there's a reversal of fortune, I've become happy and every minute, hour, and day I feel even better. Life is just so much better if you look only at the good stuff and ignore the bad stuff, as a result you just keep getting more good things and more happiness.

So what have I been doing as of recently? The same things surprisingly, except this time around I'm looking at all the good things. I don't see my homework as a chore anymore I see it as getting a lot closer to end of high school altogether and reaching University. I don't see games as an escape or something that reminds me of her; I see how fun they actually are and all the good times I had with her and how someday I'll have those again. Its all in the way you look at things. As an added stroke of luck, Barry (my old district manager) replied to me and offered me the job, and what's even better? It's at the same amazing location! I think it really shows how strong the mind is, that just changing how you think can really alter your life. I wasn't happy when I got this amazing laptop, and now I'm happy just because I have it, and I'm happy for all the things that I'll ever get.

Smile folks! =)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Ninjas on a Sailboat.

So yeah, I'm a lot happier now. I think most of that comes from cutting that batshit insane ex of mine out of my life. Honestly its freaking ridiculous how crappy I felt compared to now. Like my friend Sarah said, she learned how to best hurt me and exploited it. I almost got dug into a hole in which might of completely destroyed any hope of Anna and I ever talking again. I guess there are actually terrible people in the world, although now I can honestly say I'm happier. On the plus side, I might be able to talk to Anna again; considering all I've learned about her.

She understood a lot more about me than I ever gave her credit, in a way she could see through the lies and see who I really was. What amazed me was that she actually fell in love with who I really was and its because she cares for me that she chose to separate herself from me so I dispel the lies and become stronger. She stuck with me for so long trying to make me see, scared that if she flat out told me it would end us. Now she is showing more than ever that she's a lot smarter than I have ever hoped. There is a flaw in her plan, and I'm only saying this because I've finally learned enough to fully understand it.

There is a concept in psychology known as social regression in which a part of it is the definition of what happens when two old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time finally do, and they revert back to being the same people they were before. I've learned that she is scared of me ever acting the same as I did before she cut herself out. The flaw in her plan is that it has no end, she believes that she can talk to me again a long time in the future and I'll be a changed man. Not true because we'd regress again and start over at the same crappy situation we're in now. I proposed a situation in which her and I talk to each-other again slowly so that the drastic change I'm doing right now gets applied to our friendship.

Yeah, I said friendship. I guess I must of "fell out of love" and can now actually accept something like that. It also came with realizing that her and I without the title of "boyfriend and girlfriend" were really best friends. I'd be stupid to let my best friend walk out the door.

On a different note, I've been playing Amnesia: The Dark Decent. I have to honestly say that this is one of the most terrifying games I've ever played, and there is a lot of reasons for this. First off is the Light/Dark component of this game, do you choose to stay in the dark so you can avoid detection by enemies? or do you stay in the light so you can see and you can remain sane? If you stay in the dark you run the risk on going insane, seeing enemies that might not even be there; if you are in the light you can be detected and murdered. You have no weapon, none whatsoever. Instead for once you actually need to survive the horror, so instead of conserving ammo you conserve oil for your lantern (which drains fast as hell). This is a real horror game making Dead Space and Resident Evil look like action movies instead of a horror. If you're a fan of horror games or just want to shit your pants... get it.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Today I don't feel like doing anything.

I'm amazed at how I said I would live a new life without drama, and a week later drama happens. All this while, trying to change myself for the better; I've been confiding in two people. One was a girl that was always busy and so I didn't really have much time to ever talk to her. The other was a girl I once dated, who was actually available so I talked to her all the time, no idea why. Honestly, it was a stupid idea, red lights should of popped off in my head that she didn't like either me or Anna. Yet, I thought it was perfectly okay for me to get her help with the whole situation between two people she didn't exactly like.

There is a reason as to why I've been feeling less than stellar, I mean I've been constantly put down by her over the last week without even knowing it. There is also a reason as to why nothing has been progressing, she's been sabotaging my efforts telling Anna completely misleading things about me to split us further apart. I figured that it would be okay to trust her, that trusting anyone is better than trusting no one. Glad to say that my friend Sarah, she finally got my message and called me. Might be the first time in a while I've understood what an actual friend was. She confirmed many of my suspicions of what was going on and actually supported what I was doing, admiring my resolve. So I feel a lot happier now, and beyond that we even began to work on a solution to all of this now that we understood the full story.

So, I've been filling up my laptop slowly over time; at first just for school I needed to get Word and Photoshop, and then DivX player so I could watch a documentary for English. I watched the 11th hour, an environmental documentary produced by Leonardo DiCaprio. If you want to know about the state of the planet, I'd recommend this documentary; its developed much more in my opinion that "An Inconvenient Truth". I've been also installing some games so I can pass some time between work, I've downloaded "Angry Bird" a very entertaining mini-game. I also installed "Amnesia: The Dark Descent", a pretty gripping horror game that honestly messes with your head so much it becomes difficult to play.

So, I'm just wondering if there is anything else that I should try? This laptop's pretty good haha, I wanna see just how good it is. Oh, and yes it can run Crysis lol.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Slowly But Surely

Everyday is amazing in that I can continue to learn more about myself and the future ahead of me. I've finally made some pretty big realizations today and learned some pretty big lessons. In a way I'm learning to actually grow up and stop being a child all the time. Maybe this is what everybody means by how wisdom is only gained through age. I feel like I'm finally progressing and I can actually start to change myself for the better.

I've learned that we can't be together now, but I have a lot of time in my life to end up with her. Right now, I need to focus on becoming a better person. I'll celebrate the biggest day of our lives, by starting a new friendship. I need to learn to let go, to understand that she'll be with other people; but someday she'll end up with me. It doesn't bother me, that she'll kiss other guys, sleep with them, or even fall in love with them. Its the way life is, and I know that I can't control any of it anymore.I can only control my own actions, I'm sure that when she sees that; she'll understand that someday we'll be together.

Its funny to me that the thing she kept on telling me: "You're always controlling me!" was the one thing I never thought actually happened. Now that I think about it, its what I really did. I may not of ever flat out said she couldn't do anything, but I manipulated her love for me so that she would listen to my distaste. Now I'm trying my best not to be so controlling anymore, understanding that she and the world are out of my control is only the first step. For once, I actually realize that I don't know what to do; and that I will actually take the advice of others. I think it is better that her and I just be friends until I can learn how to actually be a boyfriend; and I should just stick with her, then maybe someday when we're both ready then we can start again. Start from square one. I've destroyed everything else, all we can ever do is start over again; from square one.

She's a better person than me, I think back and see nothing but the things I've done wrong. She hasn't done anything wrong, can a person as broken as me ever function with someone like her? I'm surprised she lasted so hard, I may ridicule her a lot for not being as smart as me; but in reality she's a lot smarter than me for realizing that this was the only way to get through to me.

On a random "I want to talk about this now" point, I've finished Portal 2. The ending was just... out of this world. It was an amazing game, although now that I've finished the single and co-op campaigns I'm not entirely sure if there is anything left for me in the game. Wow, though it was the most fun I've ever had thinking; although I can actually finally say that I'm not as good as solving puzzles as I thought I was.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm Confused.

I'm pretty confused right now on how to feel. A lot of good stuff has been happening for me and bad stuff has been happening as well. It just makes my head kind of hurt. I seriously wish that this would all just end, like it was some crazy nightmare or something.

Bad news first I guess, I'm still hung up (duh) over her, no matter what I can't shake the feeling. I was pretty broken up today over how I might never actually be with her again and that almost killed me. I feel like I've realized so much and learned so much about myself that I might cap out soon. But then what? If I learn all I have to learn, and perfect myself in her eyes; then what? Does it all become sunshine and rainbows like I hope? No, we'll have to start from square one provided she even allows us to do that. Its a rocky ride ahead for me.

Tonight is Wednesday, the night her and I always go out together to Tubby's. Tonight will be different. Tonight I've decided to not go simply so I don't see her. Its because I'm actually serious about changing for the better, so now its not her who's ignoring me, its me who's taking control of the situation. When I'm good and ready I'll go back there and see her, but for now... I need to calm down how I feel for her.

Good news, good news. One is that I got Portal 2 and I love it, already have burned through the co-op campaign and am now starting the single. The second great thing that happened is my High School Diploma came in through the mail, as a reward I got a new laptop! Finally, I get to replace the stinking pile of garbage which was my old broken laptop.

I don't feel happy though and maybe its just the weather, but honestly all of this stuff has made me realize what I really actually did for those 3 years I was with her. I think though that this down time is just setting me up for something big and bright in the future, and well if this time I spend improving myself brings me a happy future with her, I can say its worth it.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Up and Down.

How do I feel today? Pretty up and down I'd say, crazy amounts of mood swings. At one second I couldn't care about what happens at all, and the next I can barely move being bogged down by my thoughts. It's pretty rough lol, and yet it doesn't really help that my friends aren't really doing much in the way of talking to me. I pass by though, distracting myself works to a pretty decent length.

Although I have been getting back into my music and that has been making me feel a lot better. I also think a good outlet for my lying would be through creativity, writing stories instead of warping reality. Beyond that, I still have schoolwork to contend with and I better get on that. If I don't pass my Sociology and Psychology classes I'm basically screwed getting into University this year.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

A New Week, a New Chapter.

Woke up today feeling a lot better actually, I don't know what it was. Maybe the fact that I hit the gym again for once, or maybe its because I'm finally occupying myself. But maybe its because I realized that no matter how few "true friends" stood by me, they were all helping me a great deal. Hell, even the positive comments made me feel better haha. Hope things continue to look up.

I picked up the guitar again, I stopped playing for so long and I don't even know why, I had even stopped playing the piano. Music is a huge part of my life even though I may not be so fanatic about it, I love all kinds of music. I love the feeling of expression you get from playing.

I've also began my novel study on The Kite Runner, I've heard its a good book but I don't know what to expect. Hopefully it won't be a giant pain to read through, like King Lear was for me. In a way I'm kind of actually enjoying living a simple tech-free life (besides the computer of course, how could I live?) and doing stuff that I never did when I was with her. Of course it always helps that PSN is down and I'm bored of my shooters on the Xbox.

Oh and yeah, these are actually short posts. I plan to blog every day now, so I'm not just going to rant for 10 pages. =)