Basically, it is the last day before school. I wake up feeling real good, decide to eat breakfast and play some video games. Then I remember, I remember what I had to do today. Go to my Grandparent's home at 2pm, wait till 4pm then go to the airport wait for my uncle to arrive from San Diego, then go to the hospital waiting a LONG time, THEN go back to my Grandparent's home for dinner, finally going home.
Let me break it down. I HATE waiting and sitting. I sat for the 20 minute drive to my Grandparent's house. I sat in the basement play Call of Duty before having to drag myself to the car. Insert 20 minute drive to the Airport, 10 minutes to get to parking, 20 minutes of waiting for a delayed flight, then finally we left. We were going to the hospital, where my Grandmother was dying.
I obviously don't like the hospital it feels like a prison. Regardless we went to see my Grandmother. I saw my Aunt with her kids leaving, I hadn't seen them in forever, they still jumped for joy when they saw me. That made me feel pretty good. When I went to room where my Grandmother was, it was a morbid sight. The room was packed with relatives that I'd hadn't seen since I was 7. It made me think, that was the way I would like to go, surrounded by people who care.
I sat down and watched the scene play out. My uncle, the eldest son went up to her and instantly his tough demeanor disappeared. He cried and so did my mom when she saw her. It was extremely sad in the room, even all the children that might of never seen her were in tears. My brother was in tears. I have a large direct family. My Grandparents had 8 children. It was seriously ridiculously sad. I... didn't feel in the least sad. In fact the only bad emotion running through my head was how everyone was sad and I wasn't. I never got up to talk to my Grandma. She couldn't speak, couldn't breathe well, and her kidneys apparently failed. I did look her eye to eye for a long time. I... was happy, happy that she had lived her life the way she wanted it, happy of all the memories I shared with her. I didn't once look back, it was as if she was communicating to me with her eyes.
I still don't know what to think of it. I contemplated the age-old question "If someone you love asked you to pull the plug, would you?" and I realized my answer when I was there. I would of done it, my reasons I believe are valid. I know that if I was dying, I'd want it to end knowing everyone who cares was around me. Still I feel fairly bad for being the only one not having terribly sad emotions. My only regret is I never spent much time over at my Grandparents house than I did in my past. Beyond that, death is a release of life, and life is whatever you make it to be. Everything happens for a reason.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Journal Entries: Semester 1 (Senior Year)
A foreword. This is a word for word copy of my Journal I wrote in, it shows my life in Senior year, in semester 1 at Central Memorial High School. I would like to say a word of caution, there is a LOT of drama in this and by drama I mean the worst kind. Relationships. If you're easily offended or scared of the truth of my dating life, then I'd advise not reading. But, if you're into all that mushy-gushy stuff. Then read on, it is a glimpse into my mind.
3:00 PM ~Finally decided to start this journal, theres been a hell of a lot going on. Right now I can't get my mind off this girl in my Social Studies class. First of all shes nothing like the rest of the gorgeous women I see. First of all she seems to love firing off mixed messages. Getting a girl to like me has never been this hard. I don't think it really is an issue with getting her to like me, that has been done. I don't really know what it is that bothers me about her. At times she just seems bipolar. I had a hell of a time at the end of class with her though, I think I made her laugh finally. Oh boy, I hope something happens soon, shes the main reason I go to school.
3:48PM ~Dammit, I want to build that EVH guitar. If only I had money... I'm going to look for a job or something.
8:14PM ~Well, that sucked. All I found was blogging, maybe I'll do that...
September 13th, 2009
9:09 AM ~Haha, I now realized I could take apart the old guitar and repaint and vamp it up. Shouldn't cost me much...
12:23 PM ~So, because there are no neck retailers in Calgary, I'll just scallop my neck. Maybe frets 12-21. I'll keep the single coil pickups for now, maybe I'll replace the bridge pickup with a Seymour Duncan Hot Rail eventually
3:49 PM ~I'm going to start dismantling the guitar soon, maybe get the paint tomorrow.
7:29 PM ~Okay, it's all taken apart. It's going to be a FrankenStrat, I've decided. Can't wait to paint!
8:40 PM ~Man, this might take longer than I thought... I think I'll make a FrankenStrat without the new pickguard or humbucker till the next year. Just painting.
9:02 PM ~Fuck, homework just hit me like a ton of bricks. I need to stop procrastinating.
September 14th, 2009
10:22 PM ~Went on a date with Anna today (6 months!), after a hectic day of school. The writing in Social Studies was intense, my hand still hurts. That girl (Alexandra) I think I'll ask her to occasionally help me with math. I want a reason to talk to her after all. I have all the materials to paint my FrankenStrat and I'll start to paint tomorrow. Going to do my homework.
11:31 PM ~Sweet so there is almost no assignments for my online English course and due dates are about 2 weeks apart, this will be cake. I might start a small painting business. Meanwhile I'm going to go do my Bio homework.
September 15th, 2009
7:57 AM ~So Anna said Alexandra might have something planned for me today, going to school now...
6:03 PM ~OMG painting is fun. So I'll say when I'm done. Alex was a bit more playful today, hitting me on the head and openly mocking me. Nothing extreme
September 18th, 2009
3:04 PM ~Last night I had a mental breakdown, I can't get Alex out of my head, I need her number.
September 24th, 2009
9:42 PM ~Haven't wrote here in a while. But Alex has made my Social class fun, I think I'll see how this plays out. Oh, Ashley Green wore short shorts today, and woo she had a perfect ass. Played ODST today its awesome, also got Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2, I think I can finish it for the gaming guarantee. I might be getting sick, also I hope I get Alex soon, she likes me, I think.
September 28th, 2009
10:07 AM ~Long time writing again. Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 is almost done, hopefully my brother will get most of the rest done. I like ODST but the cracked case pisses me off, maybe I'll return it... We'll see after I play multiplayer. I'm still waiting for Social Studies, just finished a Bio exam, I think I did okay. I avoided a possible disaster by deleting the message I sent on Facebook, asking for her number. She was flirting with me a LOT on Friday, and also called me a "friend". I can't let her win. I'll write again after Social or during.
September 29th, 2009
9:14 AM ~I still don't have her number, but she will give me it, she got my message asking her for her number. I ended up creeping her Facebook for the number and now I have to avert that disaster. I either pretend my number is not my number or that I got the wrong number from the Facebook phonebook. I think I'll do the latter. Dang math notes, I'll write again in my spare period.
2:08 PM ~Now I am pretty pissed. First I lost Alex's number and didn't get it again today. Then I wanted some Skittles but the stupid machine ate my money!!! >:( . I think I'm going to visit her after school to get it, because we're working on a project. I must finish my Marvel trophies too. I'm return ODST and Marvel tomorrow.
October 2nd, 2009
9:28 AM ~I got Alex's number. It's time for some learning. First I'll ask her to dinner, and also "confess" that I like her, discretely. I'll write results of this test later. DAMN!!! I forgot my skittle money D: . Anyways, I dub this the "Shy Guy Test". Shy but not phobic or anything. I managed to get her number this way, I want to see how far I can take it.
October 6th, 2009
9:58 PM ~I haven't wrote in a long time, which could only mean that I failed. I think I scared her off, I scared her off, I was too forward without a comforting face. I know now that messaging by text is BAD and ineffective. I lost will to go to social and do well... I WISH everything would be okay.
October 7th, 2009
7:59 AM ~I've settled into symptoms of depression, I don't want to go to school, work, ANYTHING. I have a Biology test I want to skip, math and social I want to as well. I'm going to try to make depression productive. Bury myself in work. Time to plan.
10:24 AM ~I'm cold. So very cold. I'm also incredibly nervous when texting Alex... I think if I stay aloof then maybe, just MAYBE she'll like me. I hope and pray to god that I can regain everything I had, I am not nearly as focused as when Alex liked me.
12:40 PM ~Nothing is going right. I hate my life. I wish things that are good would just happen, because anytime I try it fails. I want to be with Chante, but i don't think that will ever happen. I can always hope and wish, just so it can be crushed. I'm in my spare and I'm going to stop writing for now. Dammit I suck at life, I wrote this on the WRONG page. I guess I'll tear out the last page and do something on the blank side.
2:30 PM ~Okay. The assignment I thought was going to be a homework check and rushed through, was MARKED. FUCK THIS. I missed and overlooked one question, the one worth the most. I probably no longer have a 90+ anymore. Oh, and Alex isn't even here! I want to go home...
2:31 PM ~I don't want to do this fucking social review. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
October 13th, 2009
10:45 PM ~Wow, I seemed stressed up there, I'm fine now, the long weekend mellowed me out and got me focused.
December 20th, 2009
5:30 PM ~It's been so long since I wrote here. As smart as you are, you probably know things haven't gotten better. I'm on winter break now trying to catch up. I was diagnosed with depression and have gotten pills for it. But, what I really want to talk about is Alex. It has gotten worse, much much worse. She won't talk to me, won't even look at me. Remember when she would come in and smile at me? She just walks right past. I'm going to text her and hope she replies. Also, I want to make myself a promise that I will write here everyday. I have to, I need to...
6:19 PM ~YES!!! Turns out she wasn't angry! I'm so happy!!
December 21st, 2009
7:38 PM ~Alex hasn't said much since but I am happier. I think I will ask her out and talk with her in person. I'm worried about this one huge assignment for Social but if I work on it everyday, I should be fine. Here goes... Wish me luck!
7:50 PM ~Oh my god am I nervous.
December 22nd, 2009
11:22 PM ~I had a dream, it was all about Alex. She may not have replied to my text but I feel like I need her in my life, I really want to hold her, feel those lips. I know I'm desperate but it's alright.
December 27th, 2009
8:31 PM ~Anna gave me a white PSPGo for Christmas. I felt loved, since I was a kid I always wanted a Gameboy for Christmas but I never got it. So that made me happy. A happiness that was clouded. I've been having dreams of Alex, I always wake up with a huge longing for her. I texted her today asking for her to listen. She seemed eager. I finally confessed I liked her, and in the past hour (which seemed like days) she hasn't responded. I hope she talks to me soon. I need it.
9:08 PM ~Okay, she replied to me. But, I'm too scared to look... What do I do?
January 5th, 2010
8:02 AM ~You should tell that it didn't go well. I felt like my heart got ripped in half. She told me she wasn't "interested" and that I'm a "cool guy", I'll figure out the meaning soon. For now, know that I've gotten better. However, I went to the doctor again yesterday and got an upped dose, and recommendation to a counselor and Psychiatrist. My depression is a huge problem now. I'm off to school in 10 minutes because Anna is picking me up. I have no idea how I'll do. I feel as if I could die... I even wanted to skip today. I'll just go and see my counselor, I also blindly hope that Alex won't be there. I've never felt like this before about her. I'm going now. Wish me luck, Godspeed.
January 8th, 2010
8:43 AM ~I have to force myself to write these in this time of depression. I know it is for the better. Alexandra ignored me in that day of class, last I spoke. That day was different, it didn't hurt me as much. I found that ever since her rejection I have been getting over her. Let it be known that she is the first girl to have rejected me. On a different note, I believe I have found hope in an old flame. Remember Anna? She's been there with me for all the shit that happened in the last year. I've realized just how much I love her. Last night was the first time I've dreamed of her since our romance began. I hope things turn out well.
January 12th, 2010
10:16 PM ~I started a blog online in the case something happens and I also want to get it out there so others can see. It's at myordinaryteenagelife.blogspot.com. I'll still be writing here.
~End Semester 1
Alright, now that you've reached the end I assumed that you read everything. The two common questions that comes to mind about my journal is "How are things between you and Alex?" and "What's your current relationship status?".
Well I'll start by saying that Alex and I have not spoken since and I've made a very large step in getting over her. We both have lives to live and hers just didn't cross mine. Everything happens for a reason. As for the other question, I don't mind personal questions. I'm still dating my girlfriend of 10 months, Anna. She's been with me since March '09 and since then she's proven to be a girlfriend that really fits me. I'm not at all monogamous and she understands that, so we have a fairly open relationship, however she is monogamous and doesn't want to see anyone else. I'm still at awe at finding a girl like this. As for now, she is the only girl that I like at all. I love her very much. Forever and Always.
To those that take offense to my relationship, I'm sorry I haven't been perfectly honest. I played many games and made many tests. Relationships live and die by expectations, and I expect my girlfriend to accept who I am wholly. The relationships mostly ended because the girls could not handle me seeing others. I always had your feelings in mind, and that is why I've waited till now to tell you. If it all hit you at once, you could of done something you would regret. I've learned that lesson the hard way. As for now, we'll see which path I will take and who I'll meet along. I feel as if my life is a Drama, and Season 1 just finished, another chapter of my life is ready to unfold. I usually dislike real life Drama, but in a way I love it when it happens.
My Life is Busy
My life seriously has too many things happening at once, trying to fill viewers in on my life is difficult at times. It's been cool the last couple of days, nothing particularly interesting happened except certain conversations with certain girls.
Last March it all began, I dated one girl which ended up with me dating 2 girls and it kept adding up. The total was four or five but it really doesn't matter. I suppose I was doing it for some need of love or some mumbly-bumbly stuff like that. Back to the present, I recently told all these said girls the truth and well... it actually went quite well. I'm obviously not going to use names, but the girls were generally understanding, except for one who just whined a lot.
We've also been having a fair share of family problems. A few days ago I heard a message on the home phone from the hospital concerning my Grandma. She's been in the hospital rather frequently through the past year which was disturbing enough. No one ever filled me on any details, until today. My mom was in tears when she explained that Grandma would die and we will see her (probably the last time) tomorrow. Oddly enough, and don't judge me but, I don't feel anything about it at all. This has bothered me a lot, I would think that if death ever occurred in my family (Never happened in my life) then I'd be sad. I honestly don't feel bad, I don't feel happy either but still... life is life.
Last March it all began, I dated one girl which ended up with me dating 2 girls and it kept adding up. The total was four or five but it really doesn't matter. I suppose I was doing it for some need of love or some mumbly-bumbly stuff like that. Back to the present, I recently told all these said girls the truth and well... it actually went quite well. I'm obviously not going to use names, but the girls were generally understanding, except for one who just whined a lot.
We've also been having a fair share of family problems. A few days ago I heard a message on the home phone from the hospital concerning my Grandma. She's been in the hospital rather frequently through the past year which was disturbing enough. No one ever filled me on any details, until today. My mom was in tears when she explained that Grandma would die and we will see her (probably the last time) tomorrow. Oddly enough, and don't judge me but, I don't feel anything about it at all. This has bothered me a lot, I would think that if death ever occurred in my family (Never happened in my life) then I'd be sad. I honestly don't feel bad, I don't feel happy either but still... life is life.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Who am I?
Crisis. It's what I have felt like for the past few weeks, even months. My head is kind of clear right now aside from a headache, so I'll try to keep it as not disturbing as I can.
I suffer from a disorder known formerly as Clinical Depression, it is a problem that over 50% of the Teenage population believe they have. That is only 50% true, while most teenagers are depressed it is due to stress-inducing aspects. Clinical Depression is different than Regular Depression because it is all Physiological. Just like a person can have a tumor or a cyst, Clinical Depression is in short, a chemical imbalance in the brain. If you have studied Physiology or Biology than you most likely know what I mean. But, I am no scientist and will not explain it to you.
I started to see a doctor, who prescribed me regular depression medication, I noticed it to help and later the doctor increased it to 20mg and I felt slightly better. I still had no energy and felt hopeless, without reason but I wasn't contemplating suicide anymore. The doses kept on increasing and I began to feel better and better, but I felt odd that the effects were smaller than I really expected it to be. I researched and it definitely was not treating me efficiently. I waited a while longer while my doctor recommended me to a Psychiatrist, a specialist of the mind. He prescribed medicine that significantly restored my energy, the first dose at 150mg raised my energy a bit, but it wasn't until yesterday I could move on to the 300mg. I feel alive, 70% of my energy has appeared to return and that makes me feel better. However the doctor decreased my depression medication, I wasn't really happy about it and noticed significant declines in my mood again.
My doctor did recommend something else for me, he suggested that I go take counselling. So we called and everything but my parents decided that "I didn't need it" which is utter bullshit. I know when people lie, and this was easily one of those times. It was because they didn't want to pay. It's always been like that, I thought it wouldn't happen when it came to my health. Well, I said whatever. I want to go become a psychologist, so I recently started to be my own counselor. So far I believe it has been working, I'm not sure if it will help since I am sick. I'm going to start keeping a record of my account here. I'll be calling it a Psych log, and it will hopefully be a good recording and insight into my mind. I am confident I can work this out, I've helped others before but nothing as big as this.
Psych Log 1 (Friday, January 29)
The patient's name is Chris, I personally call him me, myself, or I. A good doctor is not supposed to get connected to their patient, however I am extremely certain that that will be impossible to avoid. The patient, from basic analysis appears to talk to himself conversing with voices inside of his head. These voices are not anything schizophrenic and are simply a division of a complex personality. I would like to keep a very close eye on these voices as they could be the beginning of schizophrenia.
Heavier analysis and interrogation has revealed that he is clearly depressed. Nothing he has said has shown any indication of lying showing that he is seeking help. The patient tells me that he has visited doctors and has gotten medication. However, I have a suspicion that this is not as simple as Clinical Depression.
End Log 1
I suffer from a disorder known formerly as Clinical Depression, it is a problem that over 50% of the Teenage population believe they have. That is only 50% true, while most teenagers are depressed it is due to stress-inducing aspects. Clinical Depression is different than Regular Depression because it is all Physiological. Just like a person can have a tumor or a cyst, Clinical Depression is in short, a chemical imbalance in the brain. If you have studied Physiology or Biology than you most likely know what I mean. But, I am no scientist and will not explain it to you.
I started to see a doctor, who prescribed me regular depression medication, I noticed it to help and later the doctor increased it to 20mg and I felt slightly better. I still had no energy and felt hopeless, without reason but I wasn't contemplating suicide anymore. The doses kept on increasing and I began to feel better and better, but I felt odd that the effects were smaller than I really expected it to be. I researched and it definitely was not treating me efficiently. I waited a while longer while my doctor recommended me to a Psychiatrist, a specialist of the mind. He prescribed medicine that significantly restored my energy, the first dose at 150mg raised my energy a bit, but it wasn't until yesterday I could move on to the 300mg. I feel alive, 70% of my energy has appeared to return and that makes me feel better. However the doctor decreased my depression medication, I wasn't really happy about it and noticed significant declines in my mood again.
My doctor did recommend something else for me, he suggested that I go take counselling. So we called and everything but my parents decided that "I didn't need it" which is utter bullshit. I know when people lie, and this was easily one of those times. It was because they didn't want to pay. It's always been like that, I thought it wouldn't happen when it came to my health. Well, I said whatever. I want to go become a psychologist, so I recently started to be my own counselor. So far I believe it has been working, I'm not sure if it will help since I am sick. I'm going to start keeping a record of my account here. I'll be calling it a Psych log, and it will hopefully be a good recording and insight into my mind. I am confident I can work this out, I've helped others before but nothing as big as this.
Psych Log 1 (Friday, January 29)
The patient's name is Chris, I personally call him me, myself, or I. A good doctor is not supposed to get connected to their patient, however I am extremely certain that that will be impossible to avoid. The patient, from basic analysis appears to talk to himself conversing with voices inside of his head. These voices are not anything schizophrenic and are simply a division of a complex personality. I would like to keep a very close eye on these voices as they could be the beginning of schizophrenia.
Heavier analysis and interrogation has revealed that he is clearly depressed. Nothing he has said has shown any indication of lying showing that he is seeking help. The patient tells me that he has visited doctors and has gotten medication. However, I have a suspicion that this is not as simple as Clinical Depression.
End Log 1
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Pre-Part B Diploma Exam
I should be studying but I am not. I instead spent a lot of time thinking today. I thought about everything, I found that I could really be my own counselor. Which made me feel really good, I solved many of my issues and believed I could really do well in the upcoming semester.
I am going to post all my Journal Entries from Semester 1 probably tomorrow, so look forward to that. I'll also start writing in my Journal again in Semester 2 and give you probably a weekly insight into my thoughts via the Journal logs.
I'm sorry that this blog is awfully short, but a 'friend' of mine really hurt my self-esteem. It's really crushing after having so many realizations about myself. I'm not going to name this 'friend' but they certainly didn't act like any nice person would.
Other than that, my laptop's N key has popped out and now I actually have to slow down to push the sensor to press N. So because of that I'll be a little slow in writing these blogs. So for now, Asta La Vista. (I better have written that correctly.)
I am going to post all my Journal Entries from Semester 1 probably tomorrow, so look forward to that. I'll also start writing in my Journal again in Semester 2 and give you probably a weekly insight into my thoughts via the Journal logs.
I'm sorry that this blog is awfully short, but a 'friend' of mine really hurt my self-esteem. It's really crushing after having so many realizations about myself. I'm not going to name this 'friend' but they certainly didn't act like any nice person would.
Other than that, my laptop's N key has popped out and now I actually have to slow down to push the sensor to press N. So because of that I'll be a little slow in writing these blogs. So for now, Asta La Vista. (I better have written that correctly.)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
My Room is my Home
Well, today was uneventful and let me tell you why. I made no effort to do anything, nothing. I literally sat in my room from morning to midnight, it felt like my room was separated from the world. What did I do today? I already said, nothing. I went on the computer jumping from YouTube to Facebook to Kongregate, I rarely ever left those sites.
My current joy on YouTube is watching people like SeaNanners and Hutch pwn at Call of Duty, I myself haven't played for what seems like months. On Facebook I rotate several games, Farmville, Petville, 2 mafia type games, and my favorite Restaurant City. I like designing my restaurant, does that make me gay? I think not, and the last site is Kongregate where I play all my flash games now, because they have an achievement system. I like achievements, they make me feel productive (I totally am not). I've been playing a browser MMORPG called Sacred Seasons, it's a turn-based game which just plain kicks ass. No matter how bored I get, I keep coming back.
Today was the kind of day I just tried to get comfortable in my troubles, I feel like shit but at least I'm content. I love talking to people, yet everyone annoys me now. I just feel like crap in general. I'd love to check on my school right now but the site is down. Wonderful, but on the bright side I get to continue spending time with Kaitlyn and those who actually make me feel good. For now, PEACE.
My current joy on YouTube is watching people like SeaNanners and Hutch pwn at Call of Duty, I myself haven't played for what seems like months. On Facebook I rotate several games, Farmville, Petville, 2 mafia type games, and my favorite Restaurant City. I like designing my restaurant, does that make me gay? I think not, and the last site is Kongregate where I play all my flash games now, because they have an achievement system. I like achievements, they make me feel productive (I totally am not). I've been playing a browser MMORPG called Sacred Seasons, it's a turn-based game which just plain kicks ass. No matter how bored I get, I keep coming back.
Today was the kind of day I just tried to get comfortable in my troubles, I feel like shit but at least I'm content. I love talking to people, yet everyone annoys me now. I just feel like crap in general. I'd love to check on my school right now but the site is down. Wonderful, but on the bright side I get to continue spending time with Kaitlyn and those who actually make me feel good. For now, PEACE.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Chris... The Dancer?
If you remember my last blog post, you would remember me talking about dancing. It's kind of caught on to me these past few days, and it is something I'm trying to learn. The inspiration honestly came from me being drunk (last blog post) when I danced freestyle for the first time in years. I usually don't dance, when I do it can't really be considered dancing, just moving. Recently though I felt really alive when I was dancing, and I didn't have a care in the world. So, as of now I'm learning to dance again.
On another note, I'm also getting into film making, I really want to learn how to make high quality films. I'm also challenging myself by only using the resources that I currently have, so it is a no-budget task. Currently I'm collaborating with my brother and Anna to create a movie trailer for an imaginary film. The planning session we had was a success and if we film at least 1 or 2 scenes a week I'll be happy. My vision is to have an end product that will look like a really well done trailer for a high budget Hollywood film. I'm hoping that this does not turn out like all the rest of my projects, I don't want to give up on this.
I've been hit with such a huge burst of depression recently, it could be because of the new medicine I got 2 days ago after seeing my psychiatrist. It could also be the fact that he lowered my original medication's dosage. So I've been feeling really sad lately. On the bright side, the new medication he prescribed me has done pretty good for restoring my energy. I usually feel about 15% of my full energy potential, but now it's like 30%, it is only just a starting dose too. I can see that I might be able to make a recovery. I also noticed that I'm a little more talkative, getting back to my usual flighty social behavior. What I mean by that is I change topics relatively easily and I talk a LOT. But people like it so who cares? It also could be that I have not been updating this blog a lot and events just build up. When you live your life like mine chasing opportunities something interesting always happens.
I got a letter from the University of Calgary a few days ago, very nervous I opened it. I was pretty disappointed that it wasn't a acceptance or rejection letter but actually a letter saying that they got my application. I'm really feeling like I'm not going to make it this year. It really sucks, but I'm a year younger than all the rest of my class so maybe I'm just not ready for University. While still on the topic of school, my guidance counselor and vice principle have excused my final exams. However, I still made a personal choice to carry through and complete my Social Studies diploma, I worked TOO hard this year not to finish that course. Sadly, I just found out. I was not able to get a 77 on my final English exam. I only got 73. This pushes my mark down to 49%. Meaning I don't pass. This sucks. Big time. I'll try to talk to the teacher, but this really sucks. If only I did one more assignment. If only I wasn't so damn depressed and fucking lazy.
I've been playing so many games recently, just playing games on my computer wasting time. I don't even have much fun playing them. I just want to talk to someone really, but every time I talk to someone it's only a temporary solution to my feeling of boredom and uselessness. I don't know what to do, I try to get as many games to fill the void but there just isn't enough. I swear all the games on flash game sites piss me off, and the games on Facebook there just isn't enough good ones.
Alright, I'm off for today just going to waste more time. Talk to you all next time.
On another note, I'm also getting into film making, I really want to learn how to make high quality films. I'm also challenging myself by only using the resources that I currently have, so it is a no-budget task. Currently I'm collaborating with my brother and Anna to create a movie trailer for an imaginary film. The planning session we had was a success and if we film at least 1 or 2 scenes a week I'll be happy. My vision is to have an end product that will look like a really well done trailer for a high budget Hollywood film. I'm hoping that this does not turn out like all the rest of my projects, I don't want to give up on this.
I've been hit with such a huge burst of depression recently, it could be because of the new medicine I got 2 days ago after seeing my psychiatrist. It could also be the fact that he lowered my original medication's dosage. So I've been feeling really sad lately. On the bright side, the new medication he prescribed me has done pretty good for restoring my energy. I usually feel about 15% of my full energy potential, but now it's like 30%, it is only just a starting dose too. I can see that I might be able to make a recovery. I also noticed that I'm a little more talkative, getting back to my usual flighty social behavior. What I mean by that is I change topics relatively easily and I talk a LOT. But people like it so who cares? It also could be that I have not been updating this blog a lot and events just build up. When you live your life like mine chasing opportunities something interesting always happens.
I got a letter from the University of Calgary a few days ago, very nervous I opened it. I was pretty disappointed that it wasn't a acceptance or rejection letter but actually a letter saying that they got my application. I'm really feeling like I'm not going to make it this year. It really sucks, but I'm a year younger than all the rest of my class so maybe I'm just not ready for University. While still on the topic of school, my guidance counselor and vice principle have excused my final exams. However, I still made a personal choice to carry through and complete my Social Studies diploma, I worked TOO hard this year not to finish that course. Sadly, I just found out. I was not able to get a 77 on my final English exam. I only got 73. This pushes my mark down to 49%. Meaning I don't pass. This sucks. Big time. I'll try to talk to the teacher, but this really sucks. If only I did one more assignment. If only I wasn't so damn depressed and fucking lazy.
I've been playing so many games recently, just playing games on my computer wasting time. I don't even have much fun playing them. I just want to talk to someone really, but every time I talk to someone it's only a temporary solution to my feeling of boredom and uselessness. I don't know what to do, I try to get as many games to fill the void but there just isn't enough. I swear all the games on flash game sites piss me off, and the games on Facebook there just isn't enough good ones.
Alright, I'm off for today just going to waste more time. Talk to you all next time.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Parties, Police, and Hospitals.
Holy hell, I've been through a rough ride for the past few days. I was in no condition at all to be writing any of these blogs. I'm back now though, and now I'm going to tell you my fun story.
It started 3(?) nights ago, I threw a party. My usual friends were all invited, this would be all the Dance/Model/Bitch/Hot girls everyone hates, well except for me of course. I am a 16 year old guy after all. So for those of you who are reading this blog and didn't get invited, I'm sorry, I just didn't think that you girls would have fun in this party. You'd probably have more fun getting your ass stomped by me in Call of Duty and Rock Band. XP.
So I threw this party at my house. My Dad is way up north working so I didn't need to worry. My mom and my brother were with my aunt in Edmonton, for a trip I didn't want to go to at all. So instead I invited all my party girl friends over for a jumping party. The music was loud and there was lots of booze and drunk girls, so basically a perfect night. And it was a perfect night, not that I can remember very much haha. I'll tell you wat I can remember, I remember dancing, grinding, body shots and a lot of crazy shit going on. I remember really like dancing, especially with one girl who just rocked my world, it's really inspired me to take up dancing again. I remember having lots of fun, and I remember going to sleep on my bed alone.
That's not how I woke up. Now I can already hear all you girls whining "Oh my god Chris" and all you guys reading this (Like 2, Ryan and Kevin) going "Oooooooh, yeah". Okay, my ego might be a LITTLE high. So anyway, for I know now that I tend to wake up when I'm drunk and do stuff that I'll never remember. I've only been drinking for a few months, but I'm no lightweight either, it took some heavy stuff to lay me out. Anyways, I woke up in the morning surrounded by babes. Makes me think of Tik Tok hahalolol. I'm doubtful I actually did anything the night before because they were mostly all decently clothed, and just like everywhere. The plan was to pull off another night because my mom wasn't to be back till the next night. We had way too much unfinished booze too. So we got loaded up again closed the blinds and partied like rockstars. It wasn't that great this time... We honestly sat around enjoying ourselves relieving our hangovers with more booze.
So I passed out on my bed again. This time I woke up a little differently, I'm telling this all in extreme hindsight because I can't remember everything, I have to piece together everything piece by piece. Continuing on, I got a rude awakening. The police came into my room dragging me up and yelling at me to put on some clothes. After scrapping on a shirt and an extra pair of shorts they told me to head down to the kitchen and not look at my the naked girl in my bed. Then, I was arrested. Wonderful. You see, Apparently they thought I was actually older than the girl in my room. That she was a minor and I was not. So they basically said they'd charge me with rape of a minor. Great. Due to testimonies from the girl, and my mom telling them about my medical condition, they opted to bring me to a hospital instead of a jail.
Some clearing up, apparently my mom came back early because my brother really wanted to go to a friends birthday party, so after dropping him off she came back. Yelled at all the rest of the girls to get the hell out and found that my door was locked. Worried, she called the police. Yay me.
Anyways, I was now at the hospital. I was drunk out my mind still. I spent 6 hours there dying of thirst and lonely as hell. I felt like I was in an interrogation room, random people coming in to ask me questions. I hated it.
So, that might be the last time I ever throw a party. I went home and pretty much died on the couch, later returning to my room. I might never drink again, at least not that much. Being drunk is fun, but the confusion that I went through while the police arrested me was NOT fun at all. So, I had a huge mess to clean up and I still don't know who the girl I had sex with was. Damn.
It started 3(?) nights ago, I threw a party. My usual friends were all invited, this would be all the Dance/Model/Bitch/Hot girls everyone hates, well except for me of course. I am a 16 year old guy after all. So for those of you who are reading this blog and didn't get invited, I'm sorry, I just didn't think that you girls would have fun in this party. You'd probably have more fun getting your ass stomped by me in Call of Duty and Rock Band. XP.
So I threw this party at my house. My Dad is way up north working so I didn't need to worry. My mom and my brother were with my aunt in Edmonton, for a trip I didn't want to go to at all. So instead I invited all my party girl friends over for a jumping party. The music was loud and there was lots of booze and drunk girls, so basically a perfect night. And it was a perfect night, not that I can remember very much haha. I'll tell you wat I can remember, I remember dancing, grinding, body shots and a lot of crazy shit going on. I remember really like dancing, especially with one girl who just rocked my world, it's really inspired me to take up dancing again. I remember having lots of fun, and I remember going to sleep on my bed alone.
That's not how I woke up. Now I can already hear all you girls whining "Oh my god Chris" and all you guys reading this (Like 2, Ryan and Kevin) going "Oooooooh, yeah". Okay, my ego might be a LITTLE high. So anyway, for I know now that I tend to wake up when I'm drunk and do stuff that I'll never remember. I've only been drinking for a few months, but I'm no lightweight either, it took some heavy stuff to lay me out. Anyways, I woke up in the morning surrounded by babes. Makes me think of Tik Tok hahalolol. I'm doubtful I actually did anything the night before because they were mostly all decently clothed, and just like everywhere. The plan was to pull off another night because my mom wasn't to be back till the next night. We had way too much unfinished booze too. So we got loaded up again closed the blinds and partied like rockstars. It wasn't that great this time... We honestly sat around enjoying ourselves relieving our hangovers with more booze.
So I passed out on my bed again. This time I woke up a little differently, I'm telling this all in extreme hindsight because I can't remember everything, I have to piece together everything piece by piece. Continuing on, I got a rude awakening. The police came into my room dragging me up and yelling at me to put on some clothes. After scrapping on a shirt and an extra pair of shorts they told me to head down to the kitchen and not look at my the naked girl in my bed. Then, I was arrested. Wonderful. You see, Apparently they thought I was actually older than the girl in my room. That she was a minor and I was not. So they basically said they'd charge me with rape of a minor. Great. Due to testimonies from the girl, and my mom telling them about my medical condition, they opted to bring me to a hospital instead of a jail.
Some clearing up, apparently my mom came back early because my brother really wanted to go to a friends birthday party, so after dropping him off she came back. Yelled at all the rest of the girls to get the hell out and found that my door was locked. Worried, she called the police. Yay me.
Anyways, I was now at the hospital. I was drunk out my mind still. I spent 6 hours there dying of thirst and lonely as hell. I felt like I was in an interrogation room, random people coming in to ask me questions. I hated it.
So, that might be the last time I ever throw a party. I went home and pretty much died on the couch, later returning to my room. I might never drink again, at least not that much. Being drunk is fun, but the confusion that I went through while the police arrested me was NOT fun at all. So, I had a huge mess to clean up and I still don't know who the girl I had sex with was. Damn.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Blog entertainment begins!
Well I figure that, I can't possibly have an interesting day every day so I'm going to still do something personal, even if it isn't really dramatic. I guess I'll just do what I want but it'll be like top lists, reviews, and trailers. Just random stuff I guess. Of course I'll put my input in and everything!
Today was a chilled day, I just sat at home listening to music, gaming and sleeping. Not much else, but I really took a good look at my music taste, which I've now embraced everything I love so it's really broad. I am generally into Pop (Mostly Electro-Pop and Dance/Party vibe) and Rock (Hard rock and Instrumental). So I'll start it with my top lists. There will be 2 lists each having my personal top 3 per week! So hit the one you're interested in. In the interest of space because I'll be including videos, just hit the box again.
So, that took way longer than I thought it would to type up, so hope you enjoy my music taste. xP
Oh, Also I think regardless of music taste anyone should check this out, it's a DJ who remixed and mashed-up the 25 songs from Billboard's top 2009 list.
Today was a chilled day, I just sat at home listening to music, gaming and sleeping. Not much else, but I really took a good look at my music taste, which I've now embraced everything I love so it's really broad. I am generally into Pop (Mostly Electro-Pop and Dance/Party vibe) and Rock (Hard rock and Instrumental). So I'll start it with my top lists. There will be 2 lists each having my personal top 3 per week! So hit the one you're interested in. In the interest of space because I'll be including videos, just hit the box again.
Pop :
Rock :
So, that took way longer than I thought it would to type up, so hope you enjoy my music taste. xP
Oh, Also I think regardless of music taste anyone should check this out, it's a DJ who remixed and mashed-up the 25 songs from Billboard's top 2009 list.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I'm feeling good tonight.
It's just past midnight but I'll still consider this January 17th's blog.
Today started like any other day for me, lying in bed till like 5 in the afternoon and I've just really started to talk to more people recently. First there is all the people who actually read this blog and deal with my whining. I thank you very much!
Throughout today I really started to feel... supported. I reached out a bit more to friends, all of them girls (I have a 95% girl to guy friend ratio) and I surprisingly got a lot of support. So shout out to Erin who read this blog and making me realize that this blog is my way to open up. I've never been a person to open up to anyone before and this is really a great way for me to do so. I'd also like to say hi to Brittany who has been real supportive lately and looking out for me. I never hated you, and probably never will. I'll leave it at that because if I have to address all my exes this would be a VERY long post.
So the highlight of my day was heading over to Alex's for a party at around 6 and I left early at around 9 because of a headache. I'm glad that I'm talking to people again. To everyone reading this blog I'm very thankful you actually care.
I'm going to bed! So for now PEACE.
Today started like any other day for me, lying in bed till like 5 in the afternoon and I've just really started to talk to more people recently. First there is all the people who actually read this blog and deal with my whining. I thank you very much!
Throughout today I really started to feel... supported. I reached out a bit more to friends, all of them girls (I have a 95% girl to guy friend ratio) and I surprisingly got a lot of support. So shout out to Erin who read this blog and making me realize that this blog is my way to open up. I've never been a person to open up to anyone before and this is really a great way for me to do so. I'd also like to say hi to Brittany who has been real supportive lately and looking out for me. I never hated you, and probably never will. I'll leave it at that because if I have to address all my exes this would be a VERY long post.
So the highlight of my day was heading over to Alex's for a party at around 6 and I left early at around 9 because of a headache. I'm glad that I'm talking to people again. To everyone reading this blog I'm very thankful you actually care.
I'm going to bed! So for now PEACE.
Friday, January 15, 2010
TGIF: Post Diploma Exam
Wow, well I just spent 16 hours in the last day and a half typing my finger tips off to finish a few missing assignments, and just 2 hours ago I wrote my diploma! I'm feeling really good about it, I'm sorry about my first entry it even sounded emo to me. Well medication has been upped and I'm feeling a hell of a lot better, but anyways I'll be sure to be posting that awesome cool stuff soon (previous journal entries) so to anyone reading this, be sure to check out my gawd awful grad year so far.
I have one more exam tomorrow, then I'm FREE! Well kind of there's a second part to my diploma in two weeks, but I'm going to procrastinate a LOT. I forsee much social activity in my future, hopefully going to a party sometime this weekend. I think on Sunday Ashlyn is having some party.
So shit yeah, I just spent lunch with Anna and it was awesome. She ate sushi (she eats like a bird, very little) and I had Quiznos, like 2 sammiches. Okay done with the blatant advertising! OKAY. Uh... what else...
I play guitar! I haven't for like 6 weeks because of my condition but now I actually feel like it! I've been toying around with this song here, check it out! The lyrics don't matter, I don't really care to understand but the song sounds amazing. It's called God Knows by Aya... something.
I have one more exam tomorrow, then I'm FREE! Well kind of there's a second part to my diploma in two weeks, but I'm going to procrastinate a LOT. I forsee much social activity in my future, hopefully going to a party sometime this weekend. I think on Sunday Ashlyn is having some party.
So shit yeah, I just spent lunch with Anna and it was awesome. She ate sushi (she eats like a bird, very little) and I had Quiznos, like 2 sammiches. Okay done with the blatant advertising! OKAY. Uh... what else...
I play guitar! I haven't for like 6 weeks because of my condition but now I actually feel like it! I've been toying around with this song here, check it out! The lyrics don't matter, I don't really care to understand but the song sounds amazing. It's called God Knows by Aya... something.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Start of a blog.
Wow.
I never thought I'd actually be able to start a blog, and I sure hope that someday someone will actually care and read this. I just wanted to log my life, I've been doing it in a journal and will continue to do so, but I just want to get my life out there. Hopefully help someone, or find someone who relates.
I should introduce myself, my name is Chris and I'm currently in my Senior year in a Canadian high school in Calgary, AB. Not much else I can really say, I started my journal at the beginning of the school year, and now have a recording of what I've done so far. It's extensive, but I plan to post it here on my blog along with all the new events in my life.
About a month ago I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, it couldn't of come at a worse time. This was my graduating year, the year I was going to work the best I could to get to my dream future. However, I'm going to try and keep the whining down to a minimum. I'm trying my best to get my life back, and I'm sure that the only thing stopping me is my mind.
I'll be posting all of my journal soon, no one is probably going to read it but I hope someone does eventually. It'd be nice to get at least 1 supporter.
~Chris
I never thought I'd actually be able to start a blog, and I sure hope that someday someone will actually care and read this. I just wanted to log my life, I've been doing it in a journal and will continue to do so, but I just want to get my life out there. Hopefully help someone, or find someone who relates.
I should introduce myself, my name is Chris and I'm currently in my Senior year in a Canadian high school in Calgary, AB. Not much else I can really say, I started my journal at the beginning of the school year, and now have a recording of what I've done so far. It's extensive, but I plan to post it here on my blog along with all the new events in my life.
About a month ago I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, it couldn't of come at a worse time. This was my graduating year, the year I was going to work the best I could to get to my dream future. However, I'm going to try and keep the whining down to a minimum. I'm trying my best to get my life back, and I'm sure that the only thing stopping me is my mind.
I'll be posting all of my journal soon, no one is probably going to read it but I hope someone does eventually. It'd be nice to get at least 1 supporter.
~Chris
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