This blog is changing, hopefully for the better!

Don't worry, don't worry. It's not like I won't still write these blogs or anything.

I'm going to keep this post short, because I'm tired and I actually want to sleep. If you haven't noticed the look of my blog has changed, please note that it is temporary until I finish my super special awesome html layout. My new design is going to be like a website, I hope it works out pretty well. In the meantime, this new theme in my opinion is a lot better than my old one, and kind of reflects my level of calm when I write these.

Skipping to today... Day got off to a bad start because well Anna was being all "stressed" about driving, and by stressed I mean radiating fuck-off signs and death signals pissed off. All because of traffic, while I can see to a certain degree why it could be annoying it is definitely not nerve-wracking. I personally believe that when you are moving at 5 km/h that it is in fact not scary, nor is it even possible to dent your car even if you did hit someone.

Got better eventually, she said sorry and then Sarah joined us for an escapade to Tim Hortons, where we drank and ate. Then, I saw a guy who looked EXACTLY like an older Hitler. This is not very common to me, so I freaked. Sarah and Anna didn't get why, they didn't even notice the resemblance, but after I told them they sure did.

Ah the interview, that went well I suppose. Filled a form, talked to the manager, had a pretty routine interview and left with only a promise that he would let me know soon, after he checked some things. I won't try to break it down, it would only stress me out. I just hope that I can get hired, I WANT TO DRIVE THE FORKLIFT!!!!!

Sarah and Heather came over after-school to work on the Grad Video, and work on it we did not. Now you all know I was more or less depressed about her yesterday, but that has dissolved and it is not in the least awkward. Nothing really interesting happened. The only part I can remember is the extremely hot session in the car when Heather and I waited for the other two to buy some things. Heather and I talked about a bear, which runs around the corner of KFC and kidnaps a child then runs away. Why did we talk about it? Because it's funny. Oh and in case you were wondering, it was hot so... nom nom nom.

Last note is that a letter came for me from the University of Calgary, it congratulated me on my acceptance to the new Faculty of Arts (a merging of certain old similar faculties). MyUofC still says I have a tentative admission (I have to complete conditions outlined in my "To Do List") in which the only term I have is, submit a transcript. Which they say they'll automatically get for me. Does this mean I'm in? If it does than it is time for me to start doing backflips off the walls.

Well, I think it's sleepy time for me then. I'll write again tomorrow. =)

I don't know what to do.

I live. That's all I seem to do these days. I feel broken.

I can't help but beat myself up over how much I can't seem to do things. I didn't go to school today. It seems that everyday I don't go to school it breaks me more and more. I wake up in the morning, I can't move, I don't want to move. I start thinking about all the work that I haven't done and I cringe. I still have unbelievable amounts of work that I have to do, and to be honest I'm doubting I can do it.

I miss last semester. I felt so confident, so strong. I was doing ridiculously well in class. All because of one girl. Well, then it all disappeared. I can't so much as talk to Alex, and no one will help me. Heather, that distraction I was rambling about has finally got on my nerves. My confidence is in shambles, I literally try to do anything like ask someone to go to a movie, and I get rejected. What the hell, this has never happened before to me.

I want to be so many things, but I feel like I could never do it. Well, here I am still trucking along. I'm not happy with what's happening, but I guess I'll live. I only wish that someone would help me stay on track.

So what did I do today? I played on my PSPGo all morning, then spent 3 hours writing/recording a new song. The song came from no where, a few days ago I felt the biggest urge to learn how to sing. So this new song, features lyrics. It's also going to be up on the internets after I create the master track. Okay, I'll admit I'm not the greatest singer in the world. I thought I was actually decent, but the voice that I hear sure as hell is not the voice that was actually recorded. I made an effort, and I promise ears will not bleed.

Tomorrow, the only thing I have to look forward to is a job interview at Leon's furniture. Warehouse associate, I'll be lifting things I think. Well, if I can get the job. I sure hope I do, I'd love to make some disposable income.

On the housing note, which I'm sure you're all wondering about we are basically forced to move to the shitty place in Lynnwood. Well, I'll deal. At least Anna's parents okay'd me to stay there, regardless of the 4 tenant rule. If I wasn't allowed to, Anna and I would of just moved in with my half-brother Wayne. Neither are fucking optimal. I wanted to live in the nice place with the pool and patio. Now I get some shithole.

Alright, well I'm going to sleep now (maybe) and hope I can do something about anything.

Damn, I should sleep more

I never sleep enough. Even though I can, I somehow keep finding a stupid excuse to keep me up. As you noticed it's been a few days since my last post. *Sigh* I've been trying to write my daily blogs but lets face it, I'm lazy and I think my life is boring. If ONE person tells me to keep writing daily blogs I'll do it, but honestly... It takes a toll on me.

Sadly, I'm kinda depressed right now. Why? Because I haven't taken medicine for 4 days. Oh my god, what the hell am I doing. I should start again.

Hm, since the last post not much has happened. I didn't go to school or anything, I feel like ass about it. I'm even thinking about not going tomorrow. I should. I'd hate myself if I didn't.

Last time I did go to school however was nerve wracking. I've been trying to keep myself mentally strong. Staying away from Alex has been the hardest thing I've ever made myself do. It's like I can sense where she is, for instance at lunch I was just walking down the English hallway when I had this feeling that if I looked into the library I'd see her working at my usual study desk. I barely got a glance, but I was right. That writing pose, that posture, it all screamed her. Just as much as this paragraph screams desperate.

It seems like the only time I don't worry about her is when I'm infatuated with Heather, remember the leggy blonde with the ample bosom? Yes her, she came over on Thursday when I was 'sick' because of Anna. Wow, thanks for the surprise... I was giggling like a schoolgirl. I don't even know why I am infatuated with Heather to be honest. I don't really like her that much, and she's an average looking girl, well albeit blonde with a nice body (ahem..). I think its just because well, I feel comfortable talking to her. I never really do talk to her so it's probably the whole 'new' person complex.

Beyond that, there is school. Boring. I hope I graduate. Blah Blah Blah.

I think I'm going to end the post here, if anyone is reading this... tell me if you want daily posts. Otherwise, I'll talk to you all next time and I'll try to make something interesting happen. Maybe, a random burst of confidence.

Things are finally looking up

Hey, first personal blog in a LONG while. Now that you guys are all caught up on the drama starring me, its kinda time to go back to those in-school dramas I love so much. If I haven't said it before, I LOVE drama and I don't mean the acting class (I remember saying that... maybe I did post it before).

Over the past week I've been constantly breaking down school. What I need to do and if I could do it. Ms. Lalonde my old and trusted counsellor has left our school.. her permanent replacement had arrived and I met him last Wednesday. His name is Mr. Krassalt, he dresses very professionally and is very tall. Due to these qualities and my past experiences I started to doubt he would help me graduate. However... he did help me, we pieced together the ultimate plan. We found out the key thing wrong with my graduation.. CALM. You see, I took it as a 5 credit course when it naturally is a 3 credit course. So 2 units were modules and the other 3 represented the CALM marks. I just happened to fail one of those 3 required ones. So I'm short 3 credits, the three that I need to graduate. Mr. Chee our vice principle says he'll try to make it so I just have to redo the one unit I missed, instead of the entire course. Most importantly, I am back on the Grad List.

All that is left, is school. I've planned and planned and decided to go with the plan where I go without a plan. Get it? Basically, I realized (FINALLY) that my 'planning' is in fact the reason I never complete anything. I think too much about the future, and end up chillaxing like I did a years worth of work. So I plan day to day now, using that dead time in the morning when I try to find energy to get up. Basically, i'm in catch-up mode. I have 3 classes this semester; ComTech, Physics 30, English 30 AP. So i'm going to list the assignments I have to catch up on as of last week. I'm going to put it in spoiler tags so if you actually want to see the list (because you want to laugh at me, or you're just weird) click the button...

**SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ** :

English 30 AP

3 multiple choice diploma exam mock tests

2 poetry responses

5 short story essays

Read "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad

Read "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe

Study for the AP exam

Physics 30

Notes for 2.1 - 2.3

Notes for 3.1 - 3.6

Assignments for 3.1 - 3.6

Module A exam (1.1 - 2.3)

Communication Technologies : Animation/Video Advanced

Children's Festival Print Design

Children's Festival Commercial

Children's Festival Radio Commercial

Silent Movie Poster

Silent Movie Billboard Ad

Silent Movie DVD Cover

Silent Movie Storyboard

Silent Movie Film

Tattoo design

Opening Credits Sequence Video

Grad Video

Compose soundtrack for "Passion"

Compose soundtrack for the movie I'm responsible for

Oversee all movies

Write script for my movie

Hold Auditions for my movie

Film my movie

Edit ALL movies

Last but not least... CRY

Okaay, that was a treat. You might of noticed the Grad Video that I never mentioned. Well let me tell you how I got to be one of the head honchos running the show. A few months ago, I was sick during the time when the Grad Video committee had been created. A fellow student of mine figured that I would want to help, so he marked my name down. So I was basically forced. I can see why, I'm the most skilled student there. I'm the best designer, best editor, best director, and hands down the best photo editor. But I was forced. Damn.

Besides being forced into the committee (have I mentioned that enough yet?), I also apparently and suddenly became a premier director/scriptwriter. What the f*ck. So not only was I forced into the committee (apparently I feel that I have not expressed this fact adequately) but now I was forced (if I hear the word force one more time...) to actually come up with a whole movie WHILE managing the other 6?

Well, I took on the challenge. Due to my late entry and my utter laziness I have come up with nothing while everyone else was already good to go. Help, thats what I need. I spoke to a certain leggy blonde by the name of Heather to help me on this super awesome movie, and of course why would I ever leave out Anna? So they're coming up with the concept, I'll write the script. I guess we'll see what they have tomorrow.

Right now that is basically all that is on my mind... well except maybe the fiendish AP exam. It's in little under a month, early may... 1 hour for a multiple choice exam.. oh but thats not all, if I get an answer wrong they actually SUBTRACT a bit from my final score. Okay now on to the SECOND part. We all know this is the essay part. As us Albertans know the diploma exam is multiple choice + 1 essay. The AP exam however, is sadistic. THREE, yes THREE essays need to be written in a 2 hour time limit. What the fuck. I'm going to dunk my head into water now. Till tomorrow! C'ya all later!

2 months in fast forward.

Long time for another post, I know. I just haven't really gotten around to it. I'll be sure to make more and more of an effort to update this blog frequently. I don't really know who even reads this blog anymore, but I got plans, visions for the future. So lets get started; 2 months in fast forward.

Release, sweet release. I have never seen the world until this day. I look back now, and see just how sheltered I was, even though I thought that over the past few years I have been coming out of my shell, in reality I was only learning from inside that shell. It seems kind of hard for me to believe; That I've only ever thought about freedom, researched it, but I had no idea what it really was. If there is one thing that I have learned through that experience it is that life is not textbook. What I mean by that is everyone has a different perception of the world, everyone has a different meaning, we value the things we earn but not the things we receive. For me well, freedom has never tasted any sweeter. My mind had changed, for the better. I began to notice the world around me from my eyes, not the eyes of others. I realized that I used to think so heavily about everything, but I look back and see that preparation by thought is not as effective as preparation by experience. I learned that I should live my life, and not just think about it from behind a veil.

The days directly passing my release were nothing more than blurry memories. I remember waiting on the train with Anna after leaving downtown. I remember her driving me back to her place. I remember telling her everything. I was getting better, I was beginning to drive away the demons that plagued me, even if I didn't know it at the time.

Now that I was somewhat mentally stable, it was time to figure out what would happen next. I turned my attention to the documents the courthouse gave me. I needed to do two things. Call and see a probation officer, and find a lawyer. It took the entire weekend for me to calm my nerves, and then I called them. I can no longer remember the order in which everything happened, so I guess I'll just list them:

- I went downtown to apply for legal aid and to find my probation officer. It was a wild goose chase, I always thought I knew downtown well but again that was only in theory. I went to find the legal aid office, but when I got there it turned out I had to go somewhere else to access Youth Legal Aid. So I went there and applied. Next I waited and then went to the probation offices, which coincidentally was in the same place as the Youth Legal Aid office. Going there, I found that I was actually at the WRONG BUILDING AGAIN. Turns out the office was actually pretty far, so the man there called my Probation Officer and told her I'd be late. So I bolted there, by bolted I mean walked, took a train, walked, turned around, and walked.

- One night, Anna and I went to Blockbuster. It was the evening of Chinese New Year. So, I used Anna's cellphone (Since mine was lying at home) to call my Dad. I wished him a happy new year, and we made a plan to meet up when he returned from work.

- First court date. My dad drove me there, and by the end of it we got set up with social services. Also, I finally met my lawyer. Pretty cool guy. Court was adjourned to another date so that we would have time to prepare.

- Second court date. I met with my lawyer prior to court at 9:00. 15 minutes before. Well, we managed to figure out what had to be done. My plea was prepared. I plead Not Guilty to the charges laid against me. My lawyer managed to snag a Trial date that was early (By early, I mean 2 months later but that's better than the original 6).

So that basically leads almost to where I am now. I continue to see probation every 2 weeks. Obviously, I am not staying at home. Where am I staying at? Anna's. It was a series of events convincing her dad and soon after her mom (after she returned from visiting Thailand) for me to stay. A rough plan was established, basically I just lived in the basement. Oh bliss, I couldn't get over how much freedom I had. I felt like I had everything. You see, the basement contained games, and a 52" TV. What else would I need? Everything went swell until the issue of rent came up. My dad paid a certain amount, only once. After which he told me that, it wouldn't be possible to pay rent for me and give me living money. We were all ready to move to my half-brother Wayne's place when Anna said her mom didn't mind. So I stayed. Next snag in the road, apparently they're behind on the mortgage so they are getting evicted. We get to stay here a few weeks meanwhile we're apartment hunting.

That's basically all the important stuff. Lets try to keep this from being a novel like the last post. =)