Thursday, May 5, 2011

Slowly But Surely

Everyday is amazing in that I can continue to learn more about myself and the future ahead of me. I've finally made some pretty big realizations today and learned some pretty big lessons. In a way I'm learning to actually grow up and stop being a child all the time. Maybe this is what everybody means by how wisdom is only gained through age. I feel like I'm finally progressing and I can actually start to change myself for the better.

I've learned that we can't be together now, but I have a lot of time in my life to end up with her. Right now, I need to focus on becoming a better person. I'll celebrate the biggest day of our lives, by starting a new friendship. I need to learn to let go, to understand that she'll be with other people; but someday she'll end up with me. It doesn't bother me, that she'll kiss other guys, sleep with them, or even fall in love with them. Its the way life is, and I know that I can't control any of it anymore.I can only control my own actions, I'm sure that when she sees that; she'll understand that someday we'll be together.

Its funny to me that the thing she kept on telling me: "You're always controlling me!" was the one thing I never thought actually happened. Now that I think about it, its what I really did. I may not of ever flat out said she couldn't do anything, but I manipulated her love for me so that she would listen to my distaste. Now I'm trying my best not to be so controlling anymore, understanding that she and the world are out of my control is only the first step. For once, I actually realize that I don't know what to do; and that I will actually take the advice of others. I think it is better that her and I just be friends until I can learn how to actually be a boyfriend; and I should just stick with her, then maybe someday when we're both ready then we can start again. Start from square one. I've destroyed everything else, all we can ever do is start over again; from square one.

She's a better person than me, I think back and see nothing but the things I've done wrong. She hasn't done anything wrong, can a person as broken as me ever function with someone like her? I'm surprised she lasted so hard, I may ridicule her a lot for not being as smart as me; but in reality she's a lot smarter than me for realizing that this was the only way to get through to me.

On a random "I want to talk about this now" point, I've finished Portal 2. The ending was just... out of this world. It was an amazing game, although now that I've finished the single and co-op campaigns I'm not entirely sure if there is anything left for me in the game. Wow, though it was the most fun I've ever had thinking; although I can actually finally say that I'm not as good as solving puzzles as I thought I was.