Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm Confused.

I'm pretty confused right now on how to feel. A lot of good stuff has been happening for me and bad stuff has been happening as well. It just makes my head kind of hurt. I seriously wish that this would all just end, like it was some crazy nightmare or something.

Bad news first I guess, I'm still hung up (duh) over her, no matter what I can't shake the feeling. I was pretty broken up today over how I might never actually be with her again and that almost killed me. I feel like I've realized so much and learned so much about myself that I might cap out soon. But then what? If I learn all I have to learn, and perfect myself in her eyes; then what? Does it all become sunshine and rainbows like I hope? No, we'll have to start from square one provided she even allows us to do that. Its a rocky ride ahead for me.

Tonight is Wednesday, the night her and I always go out together to Tubby's. Tonight will be different. Tonight I've decided to not go simply so I don't see her. Its because I'm actually serious about changing for the better, so now its not her who's ignoring me, its me who's taking control of the situation. When I'm good and ready I'll go back there and see her, but for now... I need to calm down how I feel for her.

Good news, good news. One is that I got Portal 2 and I love it, already have burned through the co-op campaign and am now starting the single. The second great thing that happened is my High School Diploma came in through the mail, as a reward I got a new laptop! Finally, I get to replace the stinking pile of garbage which was my old broken laptop.

I don't feel happy though and maybe its just the weather, but honestly all of this stuff has made me realize what I really actually did for those 3 years I was with her. I think though that this down time is just setting me up for something big and bright in the future, and well if this time I spend improving myself brings me a happy future with her, I can say its worth it.


  1. Use Portal 2 to distract yourself IMO :P

  2. i'm pretty shure it won't end until you die...keep it on

  3. Yikes Spenny, kind of dark there haha.

    X, I just finished it xP, need a new distraction.