I was originally thinking for about 3 days about how to explain why I was gone for so long; but the second I started writing... I started to feel... happier. Someone really needs to force me to write everyday; its like a drug I can't live without.
So... I haven't wrote anything because I've been down in the dumps. So before you start thinking that this will be a five page wall of text saying what I've been doing for 2 weeks; I really haven't done anything. Kaitlyn talked to me one night on messenger. The conversation was brief; a one way conversation. Just what you would probably expect from an impersonal method of conversation.
Her words bit.
"I don't love you anymore." and "I only came on to tell you to stop talking to me."
It didn't make my life any easier.
No, it didn't.
I'm a pretty strong willed guy; believe it or not. I could of gotten over the shock in maybe a week, but Anna's been getting to me too. More and more arguments make me realize just how wrong I was in choosing her; bring up the wrong topic, touch a wrong button and you get one cynical comment after another. Its finally happened; I have actually lost everyone.
When I have the day off and she doesn't, which happens often because I'm a lazy bastard (a fact she won't let me forget); I dread the moment when she comes home. Surely enough, when she does I get a barrage of complaints and overall pessimism. The feeling is akin to the one I felt when I was living back in Riverbend; when I was waiting for my mother to return. They are alike, but different. What my mother has in hatefulness, Anna has in pessimism. Qualities in which I do not hold close.
Alas, I am not strong enough; not anymore. Not strong enough to just say no and have her leave my life for good. I still need to cling onto someone for support. Even I am worried about myself, in a way the old confident Chris only comes out through writing; in life I am prone to breaking down.
I am not without resolve however. I am now working on myself to rebuild what I have lost. Confidence in one's self begins with one's confidence in appearance. Something which I have not had very much help on in a long time. A while ago, I was helped through my utter laziness and into a healthy lifestyle by Ashleigh and Kaitlyn, now that they are... gone, I have almost no one.
However, I've been siphoning though my black book ringing up numbers for at least a month now, often just talking; not as many meet-ups as Anna would believe. There's one girl though, Cadence; who I have had over three times now, who I think might be the one. The one who can bring me back, she complements me where I should be, and provides constructive suggestions as to what I should do when I need it. She's like a conscience. Her and I are working to get me back to picture perfect form like in Summer 07/08 but even better.
I'm far from being a cruel man however, no matter how much I am hurt. I'm helping Anna, achieve her latest goal, which she rarely has, to become a model. I know a few things here or there about models, so I offered my help; of course it was rejected, then reluctantly accepted after I claimed I had help. I asked Cadence, naturally she was pretty and I figured her being a friend of Trisha that she would be affiliated with the industry somehow. So Anna will get where she wants; I after all, never disappoint on helping another.
School... I've honestly haven't thought much of it. I get a shock to the brain anytime I think of the future, and I draw a blank when I pull at the past. Right now, not much of a plan but I'm going to CBE-Learn to take online courses to satisfy UofC requirements for 2011. What courses? I don't know hahah.
Only other news is my story. I haven't wrote a word of chapter two. I know I should and I have 2,3, and 4 planned out already; but I just don't feel into it... I'll find a reason to sooner or later. There hasn't been much demand for it.
Til' Next time.