I feel really tired right now, and even I myself am screaming at me "go to sleep!" but I'll tell you what, I can't for the life of me. I've been trying for the last hour and I don't know why I can't fall asleep. Even now I feel like I could just pass out while typing this blog, but you know what I still can't.
What am I thinking of, what is bothering me? Well, I keep remembering things that I didn't even know I would ever remember. They seemed so trivial at the time. Back in the day Erin used to come over to my house every week for guitar lessons, it was like a spiritual extension of our relationship (at least in my eyes). But even I knew it was dangerous, as she and I were no longer together. Remembering it now, we did a lot more than just the routine guitar lesson. Calling it back now I remember how simple things like playing a game or going to the mall, or teaching her bits of Kendo. Looking back now, I got scared, sad and other things that made me make poor decisions. I was starting to see that I had probably made the wrong decision, that choosing to break up with Erin was dumb. But I don't ever want to be wrong, so I pushed her away, our 6 hour long lessons turned into 2, then 1, then nothing. It wasn't ever about the money, it was about her.
If she could only read this now, what would she think. Well hell, I never really told her much of anything. But I'm not the kind of guy to easily accept my mistakes face to face. I guess my best chance is if she decided to read this lol. Oh, btw all of you who are still here and don't mind my whining. If you see a spelling mistake or a sentence that doesn't make sense. Its because I'm typing this with my eyes closed trying to sleep. Also I know that typing like this without my usual CAPITALIZATIONS and eccentric smileys and !'s that I might seem sad? I'm really not. I just remember it now and wish I could laugh with her about "the old times". But sheesh, if you guys want to know why she's been on my mind so much recently.. well let me spin you a short tale...
I know that Ryan will already know this, because back at the time we had just met and started talking about this stuff. Anyways, the reason its such a big deal is because that I had literally the biggest crush, now when I say this I seriously mean fanatical. As in I was giddy about her, I created quite a stir in my friends about this mysterious lady, and I even used my best friend as a spy. LOLOLOL sooooorrrry. I would constantly do things like poke him constantly to make a party (which I did before... because they're better than any I've ever been too lol) and make sure she was there. Everything. It took months before I almost worked up the actual courage to ask for her number hahaha. Yes you vultures (you know who you are) this was BEFORE that summer; I wasn't always THIS awesome. Anyways, I'm all bothered by her because I let her get away, in fact I pushed her away onto a steamboat. Beyond that, I didn't treat her nicely either, always intent on 'masking' my actual bipolar feelings. In the end I made a choice, and thats the choice I'm wondering what would of happened if I chose otherwise.
To make it clear to you guys. I don't really care about this anymore, kind of moving on with this post I guess. Its been a long time coming, but to be honest... If I ever saw her again, I doubt that I would talk to her anymore. If she wanted to talk to me, then cool; I'd like that. But hell, I'm done. And you guys all know who the real loser and winner is in all of this. After all, I AM the prize... the crown jewel! YES I AM. WOOOHOOO, my ego is through the roof once again. BUHAHAHAHAHAA.
So I missed my lunch with Kate, Dan and the gang because I slept in, so they just think I'm a huge douche now hahaha. But other than that I really just procrastinated all the damn day. I really should START thinking about my future, about my life. About the classes I'm taking RIGHT NOW. But hell, who cares hahahahaha.