Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Where am I?

I feel lost.
Lost inside the complexes of my own mind.
I don't feel like myself, even in my writing.

Its erratic, contemptuous, jumps from place to place.
I speak about the present then the past, about one person then the next.
Inside my words there is no rhyme, no reason. No flow.

Its all so jumbled, so distorted.
If I could just get myself on track.
I know I could make a change.

Now I didn't reread my blog again, but I have looked over it with my minds eye. Its very unsatisfactory, I feel pretty damn distressed and it shows in the words. I've never really considered myself much of a writer but since I've started to write creatively, I found the words just flow; or at least they used too. I want to continue talking about the past, but I suppressed so much.

I also feel like it would be completely pointless to write about the present, since there honestly is nothing new happening. I'd rather spout pointless fiction which I've recently discovered I'm actually pretty good at. I've taken an interest in reading again; but only to really pass the time until I really feel ready to write a story. The only story I feel like writing right now is the account of my own life. I wouldn't even know when to start, where even.

My mental condition is deplorable, I don't feel like it would be a good idea to go to University anymore... at least this year. There is still much I need to discover about myself, before I lock myself in again.

One thing that has been on my mind since the last post has been Anna. See, I never actually did tell her the truth about what had happened with Kaitlyn. I figured (and still figure) that its a demon better left undisturbed; best let jealousy die off first. Still the hate she seems to carry for Kaitlyn is seemingly one that might never dissipate. The only thing she could really do to find out now is to read this blog. However, she doesn't really give a rats ass about my life anymore, so that would never happen.

Still I am bothered by the amount of lies I spoon-fed Anna all these years. When the topic of my out-of-school life was brought up, I told her a whittled down version of the truth. I said I was dating Ashleigh, a girl who was with me for a very long time; I had never even mentioned Kaitlyn. When Anna became a larger presence in my life, I found it necessary to tell her the truth about Kaitlyn. The poison of jealousy soon took effect and our relationship began to deter, in an attempt to save a friendship I disguised the truth as a lie and took Kaitlyn and Ashleigh out of Anna's world. Luck had it that she never actually met one of them. While she had seen them on multiple occasions, and even seen me hang out with them once; I have a way with convincing people otherwise.

Of course a lie has to be exposed eventually. That came in the form of my best friend needing a home. She came and lived with Anna and I. You should all know what happens next.
There is still so much she doesn't know, probably will never know. Its just another burden I have to carry.

To any of my readers, I'm sorry about the lack of real content in my blogs. I really just need some time... to work things out. I just happen to be using this blog to think things through, if you don't like it well...

Go die. =)

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